I have been marching in hell for some time now. I have wanted to just die and get away from it all but God won’t let me go. Why didn’t God take me instead of my son? He was bright and full of laughs. He was an artist. A showman. Always trying to be the peace keeper, not only in our house but to his friends too. I was ready to go, not him. I think I take on too much pain from other people. People have always said that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Maybe I feel to much. Then again, I have been feeling a lot lately that I don’t feel anything at all on the inside. Like something inside me has died. 5 years ago, Brad died. Out of the two granddaughters I have, I only get to see one and now I have blown up at her. She is 18 years old and her mother called me two days after Rick died and ask if she could move in with me. I said yes so they came over here with her junk in trash bags and dumped them. Then my granddaughter never showed up, called me or text me. I called no answer. I texted her the second night and said she needed to come to my house after work and she texted back k. She was to busy parting on Memorial weekend to even let me know she wasn’t coming. I just couldn’t take on anymore stress and told her family to come and get her stuff but none of them wanted her to live with them either so I broadcast on facebook that the next day was garbage day and if anyone wanted anything they had better come and get it before it hit the curb. They finally came and got her stuff, which filled up my front bedroom and all across my front porch My other granddaughter has been keep away from me. Lords only know why. I guess appearances mean more than family, especially if you have a mean, demanding, demeaning retired army captian that made a new careere in the government that he retired from too as a Grandfathef that rules with an iron fist.
Then not even 4 months ago Rick died. When my son died, I had some electrical problems. The lamp and the T.V. kept going off and on by itself the night my son died. I have always thought it was him letting me know he was still around. I can hear his voice in my head telling me, Come on Momma, you can figure this out’. Now, things are happening fast. I have been able to feel Rick around since he’s been gone. Two weeks ago I took pictures of my backyard and angels showed up in them. I took them with my smart phone. I guess that kind of digital captures them better I guess. Monday, I had to get out and run to the drug store and I as I was driving, I saw a man with his baseball hat on backwards, the way Rick always wore his, with a button down short sleve shirt picking up things. He stepped out from under a tree and I saw him. When I looked in the rear view mirror, he had a white rag stuffed in his back pocket like Rick always had. The song playing on the radio was that one that goes, You cut me open and I keep bleeding love, and I just kissed my two fingers and placed them to the sky and smiled. I think that was a sign for me. I saw things on the computer that said things like if you are wondering if you should commit suicide, don’t. Then the next song I heard was, Talk to me, because I’m a little unsteady. That’s what my friend does for me. I can call her and tell her I need to talk and she is always there. I believe that is a sign for me from God. For me to just hold on, you maybe a little unsteady right now but you have people that care about me. Tuesday night the electricty in the kitchen and bathroom went out. I flipped breakers and nothing happened. Then the front porch light started flickering. I turn the switch off. I thought to myself, That doesn’t look good. It looks like a short in my wiring. I sat in the living room talking to God while starring at the ceiling, asking him what was I suppose to do now? I can’t afford an elctrician or to have my house rewired. About an hour later, the porch light came on and stayed on. No Flickering. I ran to the kitchen and the first thing I saw was the red numbers on my coffee pot. I ran to the bathroom and flipped the light switch on and it was light, glorious light. I looked at the ceiling and thanked Jesus. Three nights before, I had removed the vent pipe to the hot water heater hoping it would kill me with carbon moxicide. No such luck. This old house isn’t sealed good enough to keep it in!! Just my luck. I just got a headache and I left it off for two days. So, I believe I’ve got God telling me to hold on even if I’m a little unsteady now but I have people on both sides of the veil trying to tell me to hold on. That I can figure this out. Something big is coming and it’s coming soon. I know I’m a terrible person. The next morning after the electrity things, I was waken by some one knocking on my bedroom window. I knew it was my mother because she has done it before if she came to visit and I was in the back of the house. I’m deaf in one ear. But away, I open the door and Momma is standing there. This was a little after 8 in the morning and I asked her what she was doing at my house so early in the morning. She said she was here with her credit card and said I need to call an electrician. I asked if my sister told her my electricty was back on and she said no. Mother doesn’t have facebook but my sister does and they live together. Then she started in about how her key wouldn’t open my locked doors. I told her they never would have opened them if I was inside because I always keep my key in the lock and it won’t work. I told her I let her believe that so it would make her feel better. Then we got into an argument and I started bawling and crying. I hurt Momma’s feelings. She 78 years old, on social sercurity and has cancer. I was in a really bad place. The next day I called momma and told her we couldn’t do this anymore because we were to old to be doing this. She said thank you.