I’m Not Going Crazy Or Am I?

I have been marching in hell for some time now.  I have wanted to just die and get away from it all but God won’t let me go.  Why didn’t God take me instead of my son?  He was bright and full of laughs. He was an artist. A showman. Always trying to be the peace keeper, not only in our house but to his friends too. I was ready to go, not him. I think I take on too much pain from other people. People have always said that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Maybe I feel to much.  Then again, I have been feeling a lot lately that I don’t feel anything at all on the inside. Like something inside me has died.  5 years ago, Brad died. Out of the two granddaughters I have, I only get to see one and now I have blown up at her.  She is 18 years old and her mother called me two days after Rick died and ask if she could move in with me. I said yes so they came over here with her junk in trash bags and dumped them. Then my granddaughter never showed up, called me or text me. I called no answer. I texted her the second night and said she needed to come to my house after work and she texted back k.  She was to busy parting on Memorial weekend to even let me know she wasn’t coming. I just couldn’t take on anymore stress and told her family to come and get her stuff but none of them wanted her to live with them either so I broadcast on facebook that the next day was garbage day and if anyone wanted anything they had better come and get it before it hit the curb. They finally came and got her stuff, which filled up my front bedroom and all across my front porch  My other granddaughter has been keep away from me. Lords only know why. I guess appearances mean more than family, especially if you have a mean, demanding, demeaning retired army captian that made a new careere in the government that he retired from too as a Grandfathef that rules with an iron fist.

Then not even 4 months ago Rick died.  When my son died, I had some electrical problems.  The lamp and the T.V. kept going off and on by itself the night my son died. I have always thought it was him letting me know he was still around. I can hear his voice in my head telling me, Come on Momma, you can figure this out’.  Now, things are happening fast. I have been able to feel Rick around since he’s been gone.  Two weeks ago I took pictures of my backyard and angels showed up in them. I took them with my smart phone. I guess that kind of digital captures them better I guess. Monday, I had to get out and run to the drug store and I as I was driving, I saw a man with his baseball hat on backwards, the way Rick always wore his, with a button down short sleve shirt picking up things.  He stepped out from under a tree and I saw him. When I looked in the rear view mirror, he had a white rag stuffed in his back pocket like Rick always had.  The song playing on the radio was that one that goes, You cut me open and I keep bleeding love, and I just kissed my two fingers and placed them to the sky and smiled. I think that was a sign for me.  I saw things on the computer that said things like if you are wondering if you  should commit suicide, don’t.  Then the next song I heard was, Talk to me, because I’m a little unsteady.  That’s what my friend does for me. I can call her and tell her I need to talk and she is always there.  I believe that is a sign for me from God.  For me to just hold on, you maybe a little unsteady right now but you have people that care about me.  Tuesday night the electricty in the kitchen and bathroom went out.  I flipped breakers and nothing happened. Then the front porch light started flickering. I turn the switch off. I thought to myself, That doesn’t look good.  It looks like a short in my wiring.  I sat in the living room talking to God while starring at the ceiling, asking him what was I suppose to do now?  I can’t afford an elctrician or to have my house rewired.  About an hour later, the porch light came on and stayed on. No Flickering. I ran to the kitchen and the first thing I saw was the red numbers on my coffee pot. I ran to the bathroom and flipped the light switch on and it was light, glorious light.  I looked at the ceiling and thanked Jesus.  Three nights before, I had removed the vent pipe to the hot water heater hoping it would kill me with carbon moxicide.  No such luck. This old house isn’t sealed good enough to keep it in!! Just my luck. I just got a headache and I left it off for two days.  So, I believe I’ve got God telling me to hold on even if I’m a little unsteady now but I have people on both sides of the veil trying to tell me to hold on. That I can figure this out. Something big is coming and it’s coming soon.  I know I’m a terrible person. The next morning after the electrity things, I was waken by some one knocking on my bedroom window.  I knew it was my mother because she has done it before if she came to visit and I was in the back of the house. I’m deaf in one ear.  But away, I open the door and Momma is standing there. This was a little after 8 in the morning and I asked her what she was doing at my house so early in the morning.  She said she was here with her credit card and said I need to call an electrician. I asked if my sister told her my electricty was back on and she said no. Mother doesn’t have facebook but my sister does and they live together.  Then she started in about how her key wouldn’t open my locked doors. I told her they never would have opened them if I was inside because I always keep my key in the lock and it won’t work. I told her I let her believe that so it would make her feel better. Then we got into an argument and I started bawling and crying. I hurt Momma’s feelings. She 78 years old, on social sercurity and has cancer. I was in a really bad place.  The next day I called momma and told her we couldn’t do this anymore because we were to old to be doing this. She said thank you. 

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About 1wanderingtruthseeker

I'm a fiftish woman that has opinions and passions about nearly everything under the sun. I love a good debate, not name calling. I believe in the Constitution , the Bill of Rights and God. I believe the government which governs the least is the best government of all. I believe in the rights of the people. I dispatched fire trucks, the Po-Po and ambulances for a long time so I have a wicked sense of dark humor and speak fluent sarcasm. I think out loud a lot times. I am offensive. But I'm offensive of everybody. Socially unacceptable, plain spoken and unashamed. If you don't want to be offend, please don't read and if you do, please consider that I'm not politically correct in any sense of the word.
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3 Responses to I’m Not Going Crazy Or Am I?

  1. belyew says:

    God speaks to us in more ways then one. I have many similar thoughts as you and asked why do I have to go through all these turbulations? why can’t someone else do it? simple; you are strong. was the message from God. others would not even be able to go through one day let alone years of torture and abuse bestowed upon me and my family. there is always a reason for our place on earth and only god knows why. if you believe in re-incarnation, as I do, he may be getting your soul ready for the next life to deal with something bigger. I believe this and pray everyday for answers. I get messages in dreams. and still pray for help in translating those too. stay strong.

    • 1wanderingtruthseeker says:

      Thank you. But I DON’T WANT to be reincarnated. If it’s more of the same lol. yeah, when Rick died my sister in law came over. I told her I didn’t know what I was going to do. She said, The Angie I know is going to keep on keeping on because your are one tough woman. But sometimes it makes me feel like I can’t go on.

      • belyew says:

        I feel the same way a lot. apparently i’ve been coming back and will continue to do so until God is satisfied. some days I just want to give up and say I don’t want to come back to this world, it’s bad. but all things are through God. sucks sometimes but that’s how it goes. maybe you won’t have to come back?

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