My husband died a little over two months ago. I have sat and thought of how our lives were intertwined for decades before we met. When he was 8 years old he was run over by a drunk driver on his way to school. He told me about it. He said he was coming up on the gates of Heaven and the fog was rolling and the gates were swinging open, then all of a sudden the gates slamed shut. He then woke up in the back of an ambulance. That ambulance company belonged to my uncle and was right up the street a few blocks away. It was probably my uncle or one of his first employees. Hell, it might have even been my father. We bought one of my motherand father’s houses and this is where he died. Near death and full term death has both intertwined with my family. intertwined for forty years. There must be a reason why, but I don’t understand it right now but maybe some day. I asked him what he felt about it and he said that God didn’t want him.
My husband had a friend that had a near death experience from a gun shot wound. He died in the operating room and said he felt like in was in an amphitheatre watching the doctors working on him. Then he felt like someone was coming for him and he zapped back into his body. I ask him how he felt and he said, I felt invincible! Nothing could kill me now! I could fight back from death.
My uncle had a near death experience when he was a small child. He had phmonia and back then they didn’t have all the great drugs we have now so they had a drain in his lungs. He said that he got out of bed and a man held his hand and walked to God. God told him it was not his time and that he would live a long life and would touch many people and he has indeed.
So, I know there’s an after life in heaven. I just don’t know if hell is a real place. It must be because if one is true then the other one is too. That kinda put a halt to thoughts of suicide on the back burner. I wondered though. I talked about it today with my mother because my son and brother killed themselves. I told Momma that I didn’t think God would punish someone if the load was just to great for them to bear. That God must know they aren’t mentally stable and are breaking apart? God gave me a beautiful mind but it’s broken. Bi-poplar. Half the time I think nothing is wrong and things are just rolling along and I’m doing good. Reaching goals in my life and everything is going great. Then the anger comes. I can’t control it. I scream at people. I don’t deal well with stupid people. The depression that comes immediately following the rage is the worse. You fall so far down, I call it the pit. I can’t go back there so here I sit. Medicated on the couch.