Sudden Death. Like getting punched in the stomach as the air leaves your lungs, for the survivors. When I rounded the living room corner, my heart stopped. There was my most perfect partner not breathing. He was dead. I screamed at him and told him not to do this to me. Come on now! Wake Up! , shaking him the whole time. I called 911. The fire department ambulance is less than I mile from my house and I keep trying to get a reaction. No response to painful stimuli, dead fixed stare, no breath and he was cold. They got here in like 3 minutes. But one thing I didn’t do was start CPR. Maybe I should have. Before I had to go out to meet the paramedics I felt behind his back. The center was still warm. Between his shoulder blades. Did I let him die? I should have acted like I was trained to do. I don’t think I could have gotten him off the couch before they got here. My Rick was a big old country boy. Standing about 6 ft and 300 pounds and I don’t know if I could have moved that much dead weight and let me tell you, there is a difference between live weight and dead weight. Plus I had to put the dog out so the paramedics could get in. The ambulance and two squad cars pulled up outside at the same time. I was on the porch waving and holding the door open. They came in and hooked all the leads and shit on him and ran a strip and pronounced him dead. My mother was at my door too. I called her after I called 911 so she must have made a new land speed record getting here as she lived in another state close by. But anyway, the police men, paramedics and gathering on- lookers are here or in the yard. The person Rick works and rides with pulled up to get him to go to work. I ask the police and firemen, Well, what are you going to do now? We can’t just leave him sitting on the couch!. I think they thought it would be best if I got up off the couch and sit in the dining room so my mother and I sat there drinking coffee and smoking one cigarette after the other. I could see Rick. There was something coming out of his mouth! I jumped up and ran in there and it was bubbles coming out of his mouth! I kept using klennex to clean it up. Finally, the Coronor came and made us all leave the house. Before I left, I hugged Rick’s head and kissed him goodbye. Momma kissed him bye too. She told me that she had yelled at Rick on the way over here because he told her he would take care of me after she was gone and his end of the bargain wasn’t done yet.
Everyone was on the porch, his co-worker called other co workers, police, neighbors standing in the street and a couple of them came to tell me how sorry they were. Then they wheeled my entire world away. Sudden Death.
This isn’t right or fair. I thought we would be together arguing about this old house for the next twenty years! It’s not fair!!! How can I go on? Just fucking tell me how I’m going to go on? I’m so made at God. Why does he have to take everyone I love? Not after a long life but a shortened ones. Why didn’t he take me when I don’t fucking want to be here anyway!!! I can’t do this alone! I can’t! Barney is sitting beside me, not knowing what going on with me except that I’m so very sad and crying with snot running too.
Oh and another thing! You know all those people who said call if you need anything? Yeah right. All of them forget about it within a week. Nobody stops by to see if anything needs done with their own eye. People forget. Even family. My mother has been my only constant.
I see Rick in everything I see in the house. Today as I sit on the couch and look out the door I noticed the timing of the day. The afternoon shadows thur trees onto the street and drive way where I would wait for Rick to come home from work. I will never see him come home again and I don’t know what to do!!!! I guess I’ll have to close the doors and curtains in the afternoon. It pains me so bad to see the shadows of light and dark without my heart breaking, hammering home once again that Rick is never coming home. God, Rick help me! You know I can’t do this, you know it! My heart breaks everyday. You are in my mind every waking moment. I hear you in my head commenting on things I’m doing. I see you in the fact that I won’t have you to warm the front of my thighs and my feet on cold nights or hear your snore as I fall to sleep. Missing you tell me how I snore, Your big bald shinny head. You reading my mind it seemed. I miss every fiber of your being. Rick you were a beautiful soul. My beautiful soul. You took care of me. You should have been a nurse. You had that care giving soul that wanted to make sure your feet were warm, bringing others surprises just to see them smile and giving them a bright grin. I don’t know how he put up with me.
I am so glad I got to tell him before he died that I loved my life and it was all possible because of him. We made sure to tell each other we loved one another everyday. Now I don’t know what to do. There is a yearning in my heart and stomach that hurts so bad and only gets worse with each passing day. Life looks very bleak without you. Sudden Death in the blink of an eye. I’m the master book keeper at home, but now I can’t even balance the check book. My hands shake.