I told you about Momma getting lung cancer. Now I want to tell you about the ride home from one of the doctors visits. I know it was awful timing but it ripped another part of my heart away. I, being the only one able to drive Momma, took her to a visit and on the way home, she told me about my brother’s ex sister-in-law and how she was crying at her Daddy’s funeral. She told my brother that her Daddy had died hating her. My brother told her, ‘Daddy’s get mad at their children, but they don’t hate them.’ Momma said that the ex sister-in-law called my brother every father’s day. Now he would say this to an ex sister-in-law, but didn’t open his mouth about the fact that the last thing my father said to me was ‘I hate you’ . This really just tore my heart out. My family wouldn’t tell me when my father was sick and dying in the hospital. I found out about the open heart surgery by going to work for the doctors that were doing the surgery. Ha! How random is that? The heavens were speaking to me. I was banned from even visiting my father, by my family. I heard my Mother said, after he died, a few years down the road, that Daddy knew he was dying and told momma to tell all his children that he loved them. Do you think momma or anyone else cared to share that information with me? I had to sit on the back row of the family sections and when the service part of it was over and they were taking momma out the back entrance, I reached out and cried Momma. I was pushed away. Literally pushed.
So, on the ride home when momma told me that story, I’m sorry to say that the top of my head blew off. Everyone in my family has put their hands on me. Slapped, punched, choked, kicked, body slammed and had the back of my head split open, requiring ten staples. I started crying and told her that all of my brother and sister hated me and every one of them have hurt me. I asked her why? What had I ever done to them? She told me they hated me because I was “bossy”. Then I let loose with the fact that my family hated Brad, my son. I told the story of how Momma, my brothers and sister treated my son at the last Christmas and that they showed him how much they hated him. He had never done anything to them either. And that was only six weeks before he hung himself. My momma said, “well, I’m sorry that you think all your brothers and sister hate you and I’m sorry that you think we played a part in Brad’s suicide.” I told her, “Momma, I don’t think this, I KNOW this. Brad said that if he had gotten just 1/10 of the attention his cousin had gotten, he thought he would not have turned out the way he did. And I have to agree. My son received no male figure to look up to. No one in my family stepped forward to help him with the rejection of his father. You would think maybe one of my brothers would have stepped up to take him fishing, hunting, to a football game, something. I was crying the whole way home. Momma didn’t say a word until we got about two blocks from her house.
Now, mother refuses to let me take her to any of her appointments. She would rather ride the Medicare van to and from her treatments. Tuesday momma had an appointment for her pet-scan and my sister had an appointment with her neurologist in the same building but about 3 hours later. I live near where the appointments were. Instead of coming over here and waiting, they decided to eat lunch then sit in the car. Now, my sister hasn’t driven in over 15 years. She has epilepsy and doesn’t drive. Well at her appointment, she asked the doctor if she could have her driving privileges back and he agreed. She told him about momma having lung cancer. I wouldn’t ride with her to the corner. So, momma would rather have my sister or the medicare van take her to her appointment than me. I guess I’m just to “bossy” to take her. I know this information because momma keeps me up to date on her appointments. When will I stop handing my heart to people who just want to stomp it?