Things I Miss.

I miss myself, me.  I am bi-polar and thought I was fine.  Except for the soul killing depression.  I loved the highs.  Then I was bright, witty and smart.  I was not medicate at the proper does.  I could fly with the eagles and dance with the devil.  At work, I would make my goal and go after it.  I didn’t let anything stop me.  And I made my goals every time.  Then I started looking at the things my co-workers were doing that was just wrong and I tried to teach them the best way to do it, but they just would not listen.  That made me mad.  If they would just listen none of this would have happened.  One day, I was working with a mean, old, bitter woman.  The woman didn’t like me anyway because I was younger, more attractive than she.  I heard the woman talking about me, about how I was just a smart-ass and I snapped.  I snapped hard.  I walk up to the woman and just slapped the shit out of her.  The management didn’t take to rolling around the office to kindly.  I was fired.  Oh, by the way, did I tell you I told the boss how stupid he was to allow this to go on in his department?  Then I start the descent to hell.  I couldn’t get out of bed because that way, I couldn’t die in my sleep.  I prayed to God to please take me back home.  That I couldn’t do whatever it was that I was sent here to do.  Please God.  But no such luck.  I cried until I could no longer cry.  I truly did know the meaning of the word hopeless and despair.  I would start thinking about ways to kill my self then tried them.  But what I wish I had now was a sparkle back in my eyes.  To be so happy that you think you will always remember this time.  And dance away with the devil.  I miss dancing with the devil too.  It was like walking a thin line between disaster and safety and wondering which side you would wind up on.  Dangerous.  Wicked.   It seems like looking at the disco ball when you were having the time of your life.  Remebering this moment forever.  Until you don’t.  I say that I don’t gamble but that wasn’t true.  I don’t gamble with money, I gamble with my life.  And other’s lives.  So much of my life is extreme but that was the only way I knew to survive it.   And I miss it, like I am a stranger in a new land now.


About 1wanderingtruthseeker

I'm a fiftish woman that has opinions and passions about nearly everything under the sun. I love a good debate, not name calling. I believe in the Constitution , the Bill of Rights and God. I believe the government which governs the least is the best government of all. I believe in the rights of the people. I dispatched fire trucks, the Po-Po and ambulances for a long time so I have a wicked sense of dark humor and speak fluent sarcasm. I think out loud a lot times. I am offensive. But I'm offensive of everybody. Socially unacceptable, plain spoken and unashamed. If you don't want to be offend, please don't read and if you do, please consider that I'm not politically correct in any sense of the word.
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