Being so sick for the past three weeks have got me to thinking. About my lungs. Next week, my new doc. wants to x-ray them. I’ve already had two x-rays. He put me on stronger breathing medicines. When I go next week, I expect to hear bad news. I have been afraid of lung cancer. But then, I always expect the worse news. I’m happy when it turns out to be better than I expected. Lung cancer would start up a whole new conversation. I have always said that if I have cancer, you know the kind that can go all over your body, I would refuse treatment. I know that I would take quality of life or quantity. I watch my brother-in law fight lung cancer that despite treatment went all over. Doug fought the good fight with treatments but it did him no good. The last parts of his life were nothing but pain, burns, hair loss and blistering. Filling your body with poison can not be good for you. That is not how I would spend my last days. Just keep me amped up on morphine. When I got to a certain point, I would kill myself. One of my doctors agree with me. When you are hopeless, you have the right to end it. The medical community can prolong the beating of your heart and breathing, but should they? They keep my grandmother alive for years, but they put her on a feeding tube. She was nothing but a shell for so long. Her memories were gone. Her speech. The ability to swallow. Most of the time she wasn’t even there. Was that right? She believed in the Lord and Savior all of her life. Shouldn’t she have had the right to go meet her Lord on her own time instead of somebodies else? We as a people don’t talk about death. If you bring it up, you either get a nasty look or nervous giggles and change the subject. My other grandmother died much earlier. She was eat up with cancer. At the end, at Christmas time, she wanted a spiked eggnog. But everyone was afraid it would mess her medicine. My God, the woman was dying and if she wanted to get stinking drunk, so what?? Rick’s first wife was disabled badly. She had had numerous heart attacks, open heart surgery, diabetic, kidney failure, and dialysis. She was just so sick of living, doctors and treatment. The funny thing is, she didn’t die from all those illness. She was standing in the parking lot of her apartment, waiting on the medicare van to take her to dialysis. That was the year 2004 at the end of the year. Two day after Christmas when we had that horrible ice storm. She slipped and fell on the ice and died. Maybe that was a good thing. She went out fast and she was sick of living. She didn’t linger on for years that way. I believe that I have the right to decide when and how I want to go in situations like that. Some people will think I’m horrible. But am I? How would you rather die? Slow and painful or out quick?
Now on to living. How are you living your life? Afraid? Not taking any chances? Are you existing instead of living? I have had more life in my time than a lot of people have ever lived. Taking chances. I’ve had six husbands. Threw my bags in a car and took off to start a new adventures. Climbed high and sank low. That’s the thing with chances. Sometimes they don’t turn out so well, but go on to another adventure. I have had times when I soared with the angels and danced with the devil. But all those adventures, the good and the bad, have made me who I am today. Maybe other people don’t look on how my life has turned out so good, but I guess I’ m satisfied. I have meet crazy people, good people and bad. It’s what makes the world go around. We don’t learn from our mistakes. We just keep making the same mistakes, just in different forms. Don’t close yourself off. Look at the wide world and wonder. Keep searching for things. Learn. And love who you are.