It would be my own fault

Being so sick for the past three weeks have got me to thinking.  About my lungs.  Next week, my new doc. wants to x-ray them.  I’ve already had two x-rays.  He put me on stronger breathing medicines.  When I go next week, I expect to hear bad news.  I have been afraid of lung cancer.  But then, I always expect the worse news.  I’m happy when it turns out to be better than I expected.  Lung cancer would start up a whole new conversation.  I have always said that if I have cancer, you know the kind that can go all over your body, I would refuse treatment.   I know that I would take quality of life or quantity.  I watch my brother-in law fight lung cancer that despite treatment went all over.  Doug fought the good fight with treatments but it did him no good.  The last parts of his life were nothing but pain, burns, hair loss and blistering. Filling your body  with poison can not be good for you.  That is not how I would spend my last days.  Just keep me amped up on morphine.  When I got to a certain point, I would kill myself.  One of my doctors agree with me. When you are hopeless, you have the right to end it.  The medical community can prolong the beating of your heart and breathing, but should they?  They keep my grandmother alive for years, but they put her on a feeding tube.  She was nothing but a shell for so long. Her memories were gone.  Her speech. The ability to swallow. Most of the time she wasn’t even there.  Was that right?  She believed in the Lord and Savior all of her life.  Shouldn’t she have had the right to go meet her Lord on her own time instead of somebodies else?  We as a people don’t talk about death.  If you bring it up, you either get a nasty look or nervous giggles and change the subject.  My other grandmother died much earlier.  She was eat up with cancer. At the end, at Christmas time, she wanted a spiked eggnog.  But everyone was afraid it would mess her medicine.  My God, the woman was dying and if she wanted to get stinking drunk, so what??  Rick’s first wife was disabled badly. She had had numerous heart attacks, open heart surgery, diabetic, kidney failure, and dialysis.  She was just so sick of living, doctors and treatment.  The funny thing is, she didn’t die from all those illness.  She was standing in the parking lot of her apartment, waiting on the medicare van to take her to dialysis.  That was the year 2004 at the end of the year.  Two day after Christmas when we had that horrible ice storm.  She slipped and fell on the ice and died.  Maybe that was a good thing.  She went out fast and she was sick of living.  She didn’t linger on for years that way. I believe that I have the right to decide when and how I want to go in situations like that.  Some people will think I’m horrible.  But am I?  How would you rather die?  Slow and painful or out quick?

Now on to living.  How are you living your life?  Afraid?  Not taking any chances?  Are you existing instead of living?  I have had more life in my time than a lot of people have ever lived.  Taking chances.  I’ve had six husbands.  Threw my bags in a car and took off to start a new adventures.  Climbed high and sank low.  That’s the thing with chances.  Sometimes they don’t turn out so well, but go on to another adventure.  I have had times when I soared with the angels and danced with the devil.  But all those adventures, the good and the bad, have made me  who I am today.  Maybe other people don’t look on how my life has turned out so good, but I guess I’ m satisfied.  I have meet crazy people, good people and bad.  It’s what makes the world go around.  We don’t learn from our mistakes.  We just keep making the same mistakes, just in different forms.  Don’t close yourself off.  Look at the wide world and wonder.  Keep searching for things. Learn.  And love who you are.

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About 1wanderingtruthseeker

I'm a fiftish woman that has opinions and passions about nearly everything under the sun. I love a good debate, not name calling. I believe in the Constitution , the Bill of Rights and God. I believe the government which governs the least is the best government of all. I believe in the rights of the people. I dispatched fire trucks, the Po-Po and ambulances for a long time so I have a wicked sense of dark humor and speak fluent sarcasm. I think out loud a lot times. I am offensive. But I'm offensive of everybody. Socially unacceptable, plain spoken and unashamed. If you don't want to be offend, please don't read and if you do, please consider that I'm not politically correct in any sense of the word.
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2 Responses to It would be my own fault

  1. K D says:

    Hey Angie, My sister died from lung cancer, she wasn’t even diagnosed until about a month before she died. It was better that way I think, she had tremendous quality of life until right before the end, when she went in the hospital and even then was lucid and talking until the last 3 days. I had a lung cancer scare several years ago when they found a “nodule” in my right lung, it turned out to be nothing but I was sure scared for a few days. Now I’m in breathing treatments, inhalers for my poor lungs and still smoking (but still trying to quit) but on Chantix.

    • 1wanderingtruthseeker says:

      Yes I think everyone should be allowed to make their own decisions about end of life. I too am on all the breathing treatments, but can’t take Chantix because I’m crazy as a loon and it would mess up my bi-polar meds. My doc said Chantix wasn’t good for folks like me. I have tried all the different way to quit smoking. Cold Turkey, patches, gum and I even tried Hypnosis. I wish you the best of luck with Chantix.

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