Hello World, My computer was down for over a month and I have felt so disconnected from the world. I also learned a valuable lesson. Back up your hard drive and if your computer breaks, throw that sucker away and get a new one. Much cheaper that way. Had a great Thanksgiving. I went to my brothers house and there were friends and family, mostly family. Kids running everywhere and the food was great. Last Thanksgiving was the first one Brad and I had together in a long time and it was good. I’m just so sorry he couldn’t be here for this one. My granddaughter and I were talking just last week, that we were given blessings before Brad died. Me, with my good holidays with Brad and her, talking with Brad over facebook for the first time in years and finding out that her father loved her. I have had two ‘visits’ in the past six weeks. The first, one night after Rick had gone to bed, I was sitting up in the living room reading. All of a sudden the room filled with the smell of roses. (I had had that experience once before and just assumed it was a visit from grandmother.) I slowly looked up and said,’ Hi, everybody.’ unsure of who it was. Then the smell was gone as quick as it came. Then last week, Rick and I were sitting in the living room at night, when the smell of roses came back. I wasn’t going to say anything to Rick, in case I was crazy and I was the only one smelling it. Rick spoke up and said,’ Hello Brad.’ I said,’ You smell it too!’ Then I knew I wasn’t crazy and it was Brad coming to visit.
I have been reading the book “A Beautiful Mind” about John Nash, Nobel Prize winner and schizophrenic. I have decided that people can be only so smart until their mind snaps. I know that mine has snapped a few times and am only Bi-polar! Mental Illness has such a stigmata attached to it. Schizophrenia and Bi-polar are medical illness that are treated with medicine, just like diabetics. And just like diabetics, if left untreated it can lead to serious problems just as deadly. I wish it didn’t have such a stigma to it, so more people would be open to seeking help. You know, sometimes I wish I had been on medication most of my life, but then I wouldn’t be who I am. Sometimes I mourn the person I was. I reached for such heights and was able to attain them. For a little while. Then, it seemed that I would blow my life up, every chance I got. I can’t write like I use to. Things don’t sparkle like they use to. Sometimes I feel like the best parts of me were medicated away. But if I wasn’t medicated, I would not have made it Thur this year. I would have been long dead by now. The loss of my son seemed more than I could handle. I wanted and did howl, rage, scream and cried for months on end. How could it have been right in any world that a mother should have to bury her son? But I have laid his soul to rest now. And I think he is happy that I did.
Rick is another thing I’m happy to have and wouldn’t have without medication.