I am losing my mind.  Everything has gone to shit and I can’t see a way out.  I am wreaked and so is my house.  First, I had everyone looking for Rick’s half sister that he hadn’t seen for 55 years. Well, someone contacted her after his obit was in the paper.  She lives inCalifornia  and called me.  I told her I had tried to contact her and I followed what Rick’s wishes to have him cremate and spread his ashes on the  on the cremation.  The funeral home told me, after I hacondolisences they have had   him for 11 days, that Rick’s half sister needed to e-mail her or write a letter to give her permission  No one informed me of it.  Mind you it’s already paid for.  I called her and some old man answered and I asked for her and he said she wasn’t home so I gave him a message to give her and what it was about.  No call, so I tried at night and got her answering machine and left a message.  She is in her seventies and I got snippy in the message that her brother had been laying dead for two weeks and I needed to take care of him.  No answer.  What can I do???  I hate people. HATE HATE, HATE THEM.

After Rick died, both pairs of my glasses broke. Each one had an arm missing. The dog ate my bottom denture. The commode is broken and won’t flush right and I have to tank the tank lid off to fix it.  The kitchen light blew. My airconditioner broke. Everything is falling apart and the in the middle of all this, my out of control granddaughter got dumped on me.  They never let me know how out of control she was so they packed her stuff in garbage bags and dumped them here when they didn’t even know where she was and I didn’t know where she was.  Almost a week this stuff sat there and then I posted that the next day was garbage day and if anybody wanted everything to come pull it off the curb.  I was so mad at her and her parents and other grandparents.  None of them would allow her to live with them because of her behavior.  So, why pick me when my husband had just died?  I have found people lie so much.  Not only my granddaughter but all the other people said if I need anything done to just call them.  Yeah right. Only two people have stood by me and that was my mother and a friend I hadn’t talked to in years.  Mind you, I have two brothers and a sister.  My sister didn’t even say sorry for your lose.  She came up with Momma on day six or seven. I let them in the door and my sister sat down in the wind chair opposite me.  She didn’t say a word.  It was tension was tight, so I finally told her exactly how she acted. She was a mean and hateful person. She still didn’t say anything, a few minutes later she left.  My momma told me I didn’t give her enough time for her to apoligize.  I screamed Six Days! She had six days and I let her in the door, didn’t I?  My mother came to her defense so I told momma to go home and tend to her daughter.  That she couldn’t even take my side when she was so clearly wrong and I am right?  I also told her that everybody in my family just had a 4 day weekend and not even a call. I am sick of the people where he worked because they were throwing a memorial for Rick and take up a collection to help pay for his service.  Yeah, right..


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Twenty Years

I was lying in bed last night missing Rick. At night I always reached for Rick and patted him on the arm and pat him and let him know he wasn’t alone in his nightmares. He used to have nightmares quite frequently.  His snoring at night.  Ha! The first night we slept together, he dozed off first than came that hellaous SNORE!  But now it’s so quite in the house.  It feels like it’s been years since he has been gone, but then I realized that he hasn’t even been gone 3 months.  How in the hell am I going to go thur 20 years without him?  I mean, he gone!  Never to return again. I don’t want anymore folks in my bubble.  My home has been my bubble for the past ten years. A place where all the outside world can’t reach Rick and I. Rick was so funny!  He used to dance around the house, making up rhyming songs. We both shared a wicked sense of humor.  Rick went out and tossed toys to Barney in the backyard and now looking at those same toys breaks my heart. Barney sat in the front door and front window for days waiting on Rick to come home. One thing though, Mo-Mo the kitty O has gotten to where she decided she needs to suck up to me now.  Mo-Mo picked Rick to be her human. She didn’t like me then and would bite the shit out of me for No reason!  But her human pick  isn’t here anymore so she’s stuck with me.Rick did so many things for me.  It was his nature to take care of people. He should have been a nurse. He took care of his mother until she died.  Then his first wife had a heart attack and open heart surgery six months into their marriage, then diabetes, dialyisis and she fell one winter morning, after 14 years together and busted her skull  on the ice in a parking lot going to the doctor and died.  He came home from work and she wasn’t there.  He didn’t know what had happened.  The maintance man at the apartments where they lived told him about her fall.  Rick started calling hospitals and the mourge had a jane doe and Rick went down there and idenitifed her.  What a horrible thing. I don’t have all that wrong with me.  I have terrible pain in my  back and hip because of brusitus but Rick loved doing things for me. One of his friends hates me because of the way Rick waited on me. I didn’t like his friend either.   But I’m not worried about his opinion of me because he hates women too.  Calls them bitches, whores, etc.. His second  wife was a titty dancer, the first left his ass but then again, the titty dancer did too. He prefers the beer joint atmosphere with the bar whores.  Rick and I don’t drink. He had invited us to come to the bar called the Viaduct (under the viaduct) a real nice place, choke gag, to hear him sing Karokoee several times but no dice with us! I  hate beening around a bunch of drunks. That’s one reason we never when to company BBQ or parties because they would all be drunk.

Rick is gone and I have no earthly idea how I’m going to go on. I don’t want to go on.  It’s too hard. Rick was the first person I loved and depended on because he Never let me down. He was in my corner all the time. I remember if he saw me doing something that could potentially be a great big mess, he would ask me to just sit down and let him do it because he knew if it could, it would with me!  If he looked at a mess I made he would say, Looks like  Miss Messy came over today! and clean it up.  He was my heart.

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Remember When?

I sat here today, thinking about life and I stopped and looked at my life.  I have so much more than other people. I have a roof over my head that belongs to me. A vehicle that belongs to me. A small amount of money, not quite making ends meet, and food. I have no reason for wanting to  kill myself but lots of time I just feel like I want to quit. I have a warm bed to sleep in. Why would I want to end it?  I don’t know, that’s why I take medicine, lol.  But thinking about life led me to think about the old days.  Remember the sketer truck? You were supposed to be in the house when the truck went by, but our dumb asses were out there running thur the cloud of smoke.  Standing around, picking lead paint off the windowsills.  It’s been said so much about garden hose and stuff but just sit back for a moment and think of the dumb shit you used to do.  I remember having to cross a rail road track going to one school and of course we didn’t cross at the proper place.  You cut thur the back field at school and cross where the tressel was.  One day walking home from school, a train was on the track but I could see the end of it so I jumped on the edges of rail ties and walked toward the end of the train.  And the train is still moving at a pretty good clip and here I am walking in the opposite way.  I should have fallen under the wheels from sheer vertigo.  Speaking of sketers, how about that new Zika virus?  The CDC told us not to worry about getting Aids from a sketer, but now you can get a blood born disease from one?  Why did we bring a Zika patient here?  Doctors can go over there and help. I guess this is another EBOLA scare. But, stop and think for one minute.  They have been doing genetic research on them to make a better one.  Millitary use??  I wonder what’s in the spray they are spraying on us now?  Think about the Olympics. Over there swimming in shit and playing volleyball in full muslim garb.  That’s why we must vote for Trump and change what we can in this country.  I know, I know, it hard to keep up with the connections and leaps my mind makes but just think about it.  Genius looks like insanity to morons, but keep up with the crowd now, let’s move along. Trump would stop trying to turn our Country into a third world shit hole like Obama and Hillary have done.  Did you hear the moron on  T.V. say they were rioting because white people got all that money and they ain’t giving us none!!!!? Brillance wouldn’t you say?  Trump promises he will make our streets safe again.  Restore law and order to everyone regardless of color or any other “special” group.  All of you follow the law.  Those who don’t, get locked up.  Simple.  Number are not racist.  Sure you have many more blacks than whites in jail. Duh! Blacks are committing more crimes than anyone else. Not racist, but true.  Now if you don’t like it, you can teach your children to obey the law and you won’t have trouble with them. I know there are many bad cops out there just like their are shitty people in any profession, but for the main majority of police just want to do their jobs and come home safe.  They don’t leave the house thinking, Let me see how many niggers I can kill today.  If you had to police these mopes, you’d have slang for them too.  Going to the same houses over and over on domestic abuse calls and locking them up only to have them be back home before your shift ends.  Know that every person you meet hates you and would rather kill you.  Walk up to a car on a traffic stop, like the lovely lady with her kids and get a gun pulled on you.  I want to know where my white priviledge was when I got my speeding ticket?  It was a black female cop that stopped me.  Should I have screamed she was racist just for pulling me over?  Cause after all, a lot of black people were speeding and she just picked me because I was white!!!!!  Whine, Whine, Whine.  I thanked the lady  cop for  the ticket because I know I was doing at least 20 over and she gave me the ticket for 10 over.I said please and thank you and have a nice day. 

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More End Times Thoughts

Money is the root of all evil. Jesus tells us that.  To the rich man who asked how to follow him, Jesus said sell all you own, give it to the poor and follow me. Of course the man didn’t do it so Jesus used the saying about a camel getting thru the eye of the needle easier than a rich man to his apostles  This is going to be the mark of the beast. Money.  You can neither buy or sell without it. And most of you will take it.  Oh, you’ll have good reasons for taking the mark.  You have to provide for your family.  One of the reason is going to be what they have been beating us over the head with for years, THE CHILDREN!  They use that mantra to steal more of your money in taxes, and the children never get any better. In fact, they get worse. You let them kick God out of school and now they are teaching your children that gender is optional, killing babies is alright cause they don’t matter. They are just a mass of cells and feel no pain until they  are born, which is murder and I bet it hurts like hell to be torn apart limb by limb or have a scaple driven into the top of your head to snap the spinal cord.So they ask for more money for THE CHILDREN! and you give it to them. 

 You can’t sit there and watch your children starve to death. You are doing it for them when in reality, it’s for you too.  You are hungry, tired of sleeping on the ground and taking a crap in the woods if you think you can out run the trib, you will gladly go with them. Selling your soul?  You bet cha!  You’ve never seen your soul, but you’ve seen food before. It’s setting right there in front of you and your mouth is watering and your body is shutting down from lack of protein. Your children’s hugh hungry eyes. There you have it.  Jesus was able to fast 40 days and 40 nights and turn the Devi down when he was starving. Can you?  Oh! and it will be much longer than 40 days and 40 nights. You will be rounded up and put in FEMA camps, awaiting excution. Then they’ll ask you if you will renounce Jesus and worship Allah.  What will you say then, if  you won’t even stand for God now at your job?  It’s going to be one hell of a ride and I’m to old for this. That’s why I want to go home now. But my job is not done. Maybe this is the time when men will seek death and can not find it. I plan on singing Jesus loves me right up to the moment they cut my head off or slit my throat to shut me up.  I think they make you knell down and they sit on you and saw your head off, then put your head in the middle of your back. I’m not looking forward to that.

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I’m Tired And I Want To Go Home

I’m tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. This. Life.  I’m tired and have been tired of living for years. Oh, I tried to end it a bunch of times but some thing always screws it up.  God wants me alive for some reason.  I made a deal with God before I came down here I guess.  I just don’t remember why I’m suppose to be here, so I go wandering thru life looking for that reason.  To be alive today is indeed living in interesting times.  I think all  of us are here for a reason. I think we are all here to live in the end times.  We  all have a part to play and we have to play that part, wheather we want to or not.  We don’t get to check out early if your part isn’t done.  Ask anyone who has lost a child.  Or a spouse.  You can’t believe that people are just going to work and singing along with the radio and your whole world is shattered in a million pieces laying all around your feet. Life drags you along regardless of how you feel. I hate this life. It sucks yet here I am.  I wondered why God took Rick instead of me.  I mean, Rick was a big man that didn’t know what the word diet tasted like. I knew and he knew, he was killing himself with the way he ate but he loved his food.  He wouldn’t go to the doctor, but I was judging by the will to live.  Rick said if he was ever put on life support that he wouldn’t want me to unplug him, that’s how much he loved life.  I told him I didn’t want to be put on the machines in the first place. He knew he would die young of a heart attack, like his father he told me. And he did. 

 I think and have thought for a long time that something bad was coming.  God  thumping us on our heads bad.  Now, look around yourself today.  The pages of revelations and Matthew Chapter 24 are happening daily. The world is at war.  With Islam.  If you read the Bible then read the Koran, you will see that their Savior sounds a lot like the Anti-Christ to me. The four horsemen of the Apocolyspe in the Bible. Remember, the Anti-Chirst comes first then Jesus. The muslim will worship the first beast. And force you to worship him too.  In the Koron, the white horse is ridden by their Jesus, who is only a prophet in Muslim religion, will come back and kill all the Jews, people of the book, and all other non-believers for not believing in Allah. Their Jesus will be scarred and blind in one eye, from fighting, martyred for Allah!  Then he will lead all the other muslims to martyr theselves!!!  For the seventy virgins in Paradise!  But, I digress. Back to what’s happening today. We are on the edge of nuclear war and Americans are going to be slaughtered in their beds by Muslims like they are in Germany, Sweden, Paris.  I can see it now. Martial Law. The refugees are flooding our country.  The refugees are actually an army and they are savage people. We think we know it but we don’t.  We are a cilivized people but they are savages.  Think they going to stand their and hurl insults at you like most of us would call fighting?  Spitting and slapping and elbows?  These fuckers look forward to whacking your head off.  Not like with a guillotine all nice and smooth, but whack at it with a rusty butcher knife.  To cause as much pain as possible and laugh the whole time they are doing it!  Looking forward to those 6 year old virgins. 72 of them. Isn’t that enough to shake you to the ground?  The only thing we are missing is the three days of darkness and the sky rolling up like a scroll.  People forget that part.  Sky  rollling up?  Nuclear bomb anyone?  Three days of darkness? 
I can see this in my mind like a movie, Trump wins and of course the negros go crazy and riot and burn down their neighborhood and turn to ours. Martial Law is called, people die, go to jail and the round up of the illegals begin.  Trucks, buses and rail cars are traveling across the country toward the Mexican border.  These fuckers arn’t going peacefully. They’ve already told us they are going to kill us and take over the country so course they have to be put into the FEMA camps to hold for transport.  Now, how can we tell who belongs here and who doesn’t?  Social Security  numbers?  Driver’s license? Birth Record?  How?  Religion?  A mark to tell the difference? One thing is  very clear.  We must get rid of Islam. Period.  Both peaceful and extermist read and believe in the same book with the same words that’s to deal harshly and kill infidels where ever you find them.  Infidel.  That’s me and you. We are in the end times. I can’t believed I typed that. But we are. We are in the final battle of good and evil. 

I’m just wondering how to kill yourself without it hurting.  Overdose is so unreliable. Either you don’t take enough or someone finds you when they are not suppose to be there.  Driving head on into an electric pole doesn’t work, it just breaks your face instead of throwing you thru the windshield and decapitating you. I don’t have the guts to blow my head off like my brother. Well, not his head. His heart. My son hanged himself. I’d probably pull the ceiling fan down if I tied it there, so I’ve thought about using the closet rod. I know. If anyone could read this now, they would want me locked up in a mental hospital and me and doctors and nurses don’t get along that well at all.  They want to tell me what to do, strip you of you belongings and your diginty and they like to punish you if you don’t “get along” with the rules. Not smoking and that ain’t even going to happen.  I would wind up in restraints. So, what’s a girl to do?  Just sit here and exist on disability and wear odd shoes because I can’t afford a new pair, the house with a tarp over my roof where the tree limbs from the giant tree out front has fallen thur the roof. I guess I could just close the door to the room and let it fall off the side of the house. None of that has happened yet but that’s what I see in the future. My aren’t I a kiss of sunshine today! Listen loud and clear, I am not a danger to you or myself. I just hate life. This is the type of post where you don’t know weather to laugh or cry.

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What Will I Do?

Today would have been Rick’s birthday and he would have been 59. He hasn’t been gone even 3 months now. I don’t see how I can make it own my own. The only way to do it is if nothing else breaks in my life. My shoes, my car, a flat tire, nothing. How will I fix or get another washing machine if it breaks?  What if my car dies?  After all, it is old. The only way I can see it is if I get a boarder. I don’t much care for people anyway. Living with a stranger is not only a bad idea but could be deadly too. You don’t know what might happen as well as driving me crazy.I think you ought to like a person if you’re going to live with them. There’s no sense in living if you’re misrable at home. If I give up eating or something like my computer. I feel lost without my computer and news and articles about the election, prepper information, books on line, etc. …sigh. I don’t want pity or money from anyone, I’m just writing my heart down and how it feels now. It’s cleansing.  I don’t think I could even work part time with the idiots that are out there now. Spitting on a police person’s burger or sandwhich with glass in them, I would pull out a can of  whoop ass on those BLM hate groups and anti-police people. See if they call the police for help, you know those people they hate and don’t want.

It’s so quite in my house. There’s not a lot of talking going on.  Rick and I were loud talkers and it’s strange to be this quiet in the house.  Barney looks at me as if to say, I’ll talk to you and he does. Thur his eyes. Also his hugs. He will get on the couch and place his paws on the arm and get fall into me. Both my animals love me and half way get along. Barney knows he can’t chase the Mo.  I’ve read where people almost lost speech from being alone. I mentioned that to my friend and we just laughed and laughed!  I talk so much my father used to tell me that if I shut up for two minutes the top of my head would blow off. People have told me that if I need help, they were there for me but I don’t want other people to have to spend money taking care of me.  I could live another twenty years but probably not. Imagine how much that would cost in help. Thank God I own my house and car, payment free. I’ll have to relearn to cook a pot of beans without burning them. My mind wanders so much I get distracted very easily and forget things. I will sit in the kitchen and watch them. Gravy. I love gravy but haven’t made it in so long, I can’t seem to get it done. Potatoes. Anyway you can cook them. Fried, mashed, baked, jullian, tator tots, you name it. I love those. A head of lettuce instead of pre-cut spring mix.  I have sip seals bags and a straw. Suck the air right out of them. Stays so much fresher longer. Left overs for lunch. Oatmeal for breakfast. Great. Here’s to  next month! May it be better.

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Lives, Destiny and After Life

My husband died a little over two months ago.  I have sat and thought of how our lives were intertwined for decades before we met.  When he was 8 years old he was run over by a drunk driver on his way to school.  He told me about it. He said he was coming up on the gates of Heaven and the fog was rolling and the gates were swinging open, then all of a sudden the gates slamed shut. He then woke up in the back of an ambulance. That ambulance company belonged to my uncle and was right up the street a few blocks away. It was probably my uncle or one of his first employees. Hell, it might have even been my father.  We bought one of my motherand father’s houses and this is where he died. Near death and full term death has both intertwined with my family. intertwined for forty years.  There must be a reason why, but I don’t understand it right now but maybe some day. I asked him what he felt about it and he said that God didn’t want him.

My husband had a friend that had a near death experience from a gun shot wound. He died in the operating room and said he felt like in was in an amphitheatre watching the doctors working on him. Then he felt like someone was coming for him and he zapped back into his body. I ask him how he felt and he said, I felt invincible!  Nothing could kill me now! I could fight back from death.

My uncle had a near death experience when he was a small child. He had phmonia and back then they didn’t have all the great drugs we have now so they had a drain in his lungs. He said that he got out of bed and a man held his hand and walked to God. God told him it was not his time and that he would live a long life and would touch many people and he has indeed.

So, I know there’s an after life in heaven.  I just don’t know if hell is a real place.  It must be because if one is true then the other one is too. That kinda put a halt to thoughts of suicide on the back burner. I wondered though. I talked about it today with my mother because my son and brother killed themselves. I told Momma that I didn’t think God would punish someone if the load was just to great for them to bear. That God must know they aren’t mentally stable and are breaking apart?  God gave me a beautiful mind but it’s broken. Bi-poplar.  Half the time I think nothing is wrong and things are just rolling along and I’m doing good. Reaching goals in my life and everything is going great.  Then the anger comes. I can’t control it. I scream at people. I don’t deal well with stupid people. The depression that comes immediately following the rage is the worse. You fall so far down, I call it the pit. I can’t go back there so here I sit. Medicated on the couch.

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