I am losing my mind.  Everything has gone to shit and I can’t see a way out.  I am wreaked and so is my house.  First, I had everyone looking for Rick’s half sister that he hadn’t seen for 55 years. Well, someone contacted her after his obit was in the paper.  She lives inCalifornia  and called me.  I told her I had tried to contact her and I followed what Rick’s wishes to have him cremate and spread his ashes on the  on the cremation.  The funeral home told me, after I hacondolisences they have had   him for 11 days, that Rick’s half sister needed to e-mail her or write a letter to give her permission  No one informed me of it.  Mind you it’s already paid for.  I called her and some old man answered and I asked for her and he said she wasn’t home so I gave him a message to give her and what it was about.  No call, so I tried at night and got her answering machine and left a message.  She is in her seventies and I got snippy in the message that her brother had been laying dead for two weeks and I needed to take care of him.  No answer.  What can I do???  I hate people. HATE HATE, HATE THEM.

After Rick died, both pairs of my glasses broke. Each one had an arm missing. The dog ate my bottom denture. The commode is broken and won’t flush right and I have to tank the tank lid off to fix it.  The kitchen light blew. My airconditioner broke. Everything is falling apart and the in the middle of all this, my out of control granddaughter got dumped on me.  They never let me know how out of control she was so they packed her stuff in garbage bags and dumped them here when they didn’t even know where she was and I didn’t know where she was.  Almost a week this stuff sat there and then I posted that the next day was garbage day and if anybody wanted everything to come pull it off the curb.  I was so mad at her and her parents and other grandparents.  None of them would allow her to live with them because of her behavior.  So, why pick me when my husband had just died?  I have found people lie so much.  Not only my granddaughter but all the other people said if I need anything done to just call them.  Yeah right. Only two people have stood by me and that was my mother and a friend I hadn’t talked to in years.  Mind you, I have two brothers and a sister.  My sister didn’t even say sorry for your lose.  She came up with Momma on day six or seven. I let them in the door and my sister sat down in the wind chair opposite me.  She didn’t say a word.  It was tension was tight, so I finally told her exactly how she acted. She was a mean and hateful person. She still didn’t say anything, a few minutes later she left.  My momma told me I didn’t give her enough time for her to apoligize.  I screamed Six Days! She had six days and I let her in the door, didn’t I?  My mother came to her defense so I told momma to go home and tend to her daughter.  That she couldn’t even take my side when she was so clearly wrong and I am right?  I also told her that everybody in my family just had a 4 day weekend and not even a call. I am sick of the people where he worked because they were throwing a memorial for Rick and take up a collection to help pay for his service.  Yeah, right..


Continue reading

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Tuesday’s Visit With The Shrink.

For the last couple of years, I have been seeing a new shrink since my beloved Dr. B retired.  He died a couple of years after he retired.  So, my new doc is Dr. S.  Let me tell you, if the two of us were standing side by side, you’d pick the doctor as the nut, not me.  Let me describe him.  A short Asian man that wears high top sneakers, goggle like glasses, a baseball hat and a long white coat.  Oh! and I have a hard time understanding him because of his accent.

  Two years ago, I had a major blow out in the waiting room because another patient started yelling at me about being a white person and having my nose in everybody’s buisness. Wha….. I was just signing in, but I’ve had about enough of the white people are evil bullshit.  So, I turned around and ask, What did you say to me?  Then she started waving her fist at me. Granted she was 10 to 15 years older than me but I told her if she wanted to throw down, just your ass out of that chair.  Then the women behind the counter, all black of course,  came running yelling Ladies, Ladies!  I sat down two rows behind her and she still was running her mouth.  Of course the women ran to the doctors office and blamed it all on me.  I hadn’t done a thing except sign in!   That’s when the doctor and I came to the agreement that we only needed to see each other twice a year for medication refills. A year and a half ago I told him I thought really long and hard about killing myself and he told me to get a dog. Yeap, a dog.  I have had a dog for the past 5 years and I’ve told him that, he just doesn’t listen. Tuesday I told him that my husband died 5 1/2 months.  Guess what he said?  That’s right! Get a dog!  I told him about me having a medicated mania and he said that’s impossible. It’s just your personality.  He just called me an asshole!!!!!   Well, Tuesday when he told me to get a dog, he asked me if I had a picture of him?  So,  I showed him a video of my dog.  I guess he didn’t believe I had a dog.  While I had my phone out, I showed him the pictures of my spirits in my back yard.  He ask when was it I took the pictures and I told him right after Rick died.  He didn’t call me crazy, he just said I was very spiritual.  I think this doctor whole heartly believe in dog thearpy, which is not a bad thing but my God, this man is a doctor.  Don’t you think he should invest a little more interest on medicine?  Well, he did believe in spirits, I’ll give him that.  I think our arrangement of only twice a year works fine.  I didn’t even tell him about the fact that I tried to kill myself about 3 months ago. (He probably would recommend another dog to go with the one I had.) I took the vent pipe off my gas hot water heater for 2 days, but I keep on waking up every morning.  I think that’s because God sent me here to do something and he won’t let me go until I do it.

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My Soul Blessing Trip To The Store

I am trying so hard to quite smoking. It’s the hardest thing I have done. I ordered E-cigs from V2 cigs online and have used them for quite some time.  At the first of the month, I ordered the filters thingies and there was a terrible taste and an oily stuff coming from the filter where you puff on it. It was the nicitine oil. That left me with no type of cigs, so I went to the store to buy some real cigs.  I went into the store and bought mine, then out of the store. I was parked right in front of the door.  I walked to the door of the car and a homeless man approached me and asked if I could spare some change for a cup of coffee for a homeless vet. Ok, now since my husband died, I am poor as a church mouse but I pulled two dollars out and handed it to him.  He had on two pairs of glasses and a Bible under his arm.  This man was evidently not taking his meds. But he was quoting verse and chapter of the Bible and relating them to our times. Clearly not an ignorant man. As a matter of fact, he told me he was a fart smeller, I mean a smart fellow and I just laughed! He told me he didn’t go to any church but he just read the Bible.  He was talking so fast! He opened his Bible and pulled out a peice of magnifiying glass.  First he looked at the sun and then down at his Bible at the son.  His Bible was filled in the margins with notes to himself.  He said that in 2006 a man had thrown down the Bible and he picked it up and now it was 2016 and he hasn’t put it down since.  Although his teeth were yellow, they looked so much better than a drug addicts teeth.I stood there talking to him about 3 minutes, rather he talked then blessed me and when into buy himself a hot coffee.  Before he left, I shook his hand and thanked him for his service to our country.  Now why is the government taking in people from other countries when our veterans are homeless?  I hate that. 

The car next to me then rolled down their window and wanted to talk to me.  Two men who had noticed my T-Shirt which had the name of the construction company Rick used to work for before he died and they wanted to know where the place was. I had no idea what the address was so they asked if they could take a picture of the name of the company. They were out of work and looking for something.  I know this sounds racist but they were Mexicans and those folks generally work hard. I explain what the construction company did and they were smiles all around. I told them that it looked like God blessed us all on my trip to the store. When I got home, someone from a self storage place called me about Rick old storage unit. It had been in storage for about 12 years, two years before I met him. It was his first wife’s things he stored after she died. I told her to go ahead and sell it because he was dead. She told me God Bless you and I told her he already had.

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Religion and Politics

I have had my views changed of friends and people I follow since this election and President elect Trump. Opened my eyes real wide. So many democrats in disguise! I really don’t know them at all nor do they know me. All this made up crap about Trump, all the while they said absolutely nothing about Obama and Hillary’s crimes. I have quit watching T.V., it’s sickening.  There is a mountain of evidence about Hillary crimes yet no one speaks about it. Trump has a big ego, so what? Obama is the narracist on high for the past 8 years and no one dare say a word for fear of being called a racist. It makes me want to just slap the shit out of them. I can’t wait for Trump to get in office. No more safe places except under your bed. Go there and be safe, but oh wait there are monsters under there so you need to just grow the fuck up whiners. I don’t care if real life hurts your feelings. I don’t care if a joke offends you. I said back in the late 80’s that PC shit was going to ruin America and it has. Put the best person for the job in, regardless of color. That’s fair for ALL people not just some colors and sexual habits. What’s the matter with that? Are you afraid of not getting a job? So be it. I was raised that if you studied and worked hard, you will go far in life. Not anymore. Illegal immigrants are flooding into this country and it must stop. The are draining the money and resources from our country. Politicans who will not give up these criminals can do it without federal money, then they can be arrested for harboring criminals, which is a felony. These shit for brains democrats don’t even know these laws. God help us all!

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I feel so much better now we have President Elect Trump. When I opened facebook this morning, there were closet democrats that were whinny, telling me not to gloat.  I told them I was proud to gloat. Were these people only listening to the MSM?  

Then I read a whinny ass blog that said Trump hasn’t done one thing, just things he promises he do.   Where in the hell has she/he been for the last 8 years????  Obama won a Nobel Peace Prize for doing nothing!!!  Obama didn’t keep one promise he made. He put America last. And what has Hillary done???  Name just one thing.You can’t. She has committed Treason, selling her office, taking millions of dollars from countries that hate us and want to rule our country and kill us unless we convert or convert AND be killed. She left 4 men to die in Benghazi, connected to pedos per Podesta emails, running arms to the enemy, robbed the Haitians during their darkest natural disaster, pathological liar, thief. I could go on and on but you know what all she’s done. This came from WILILEAKS, an investagative jouralist that has never been proven wrong. 

This election was so important to me, I defriended people and blocked blogs If they hate the Republic so much then they didn’t know me or I them.  Now all the bitching and whining. We are taking back our Republic which our flag stands for and taking America back. Now they want us to be nice????  Screw that! Were they nice to cops? No, they want them dead. Were they nice to white people? No, they want us dead. Blame everything on the white man. What about the abortion loving liberals?  They want to keep murdering babies, with their own heart beat and DNA. What about all the criminals that are here ILLEGALLY?  Americans are dying daily from these people. What about our veterans who fought, got maimed and died for this country? We owe them everything, including our freedom and you think the way they are treated is alright? Absolutely not. 

Trump likes pussy, so what? That is most certainly better than being one.

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Okay, I have to write this.

I have been a Trump supporter from day one.  I am for all Trump’s solutions for the issues we are facing today.  We all know my mind wanders around all different kinds of places.  Just what ever happens to be rolling thur my head.  So…. The election. We all know what’s at stake here.  Hillary is straight from hell, advocating killing  babies as they slide out of the mother’s womb.  I mean that right there should show the world just how evil and uncaring she is but oh no!, there are more of these  things she’s done and will still to do.  Stoning women and killing gays is another winner.  She is taking massive amounts of money from the countries that do that.  They support her.  Shouldn’t that scare the every living hell out of you?

I have never seen a candidate work so hard for the Office of President.  We can expect him to work just as hard for us if he wins.  He has a big ego. So what?  He will use that ego  to do the best job as President than anyone I seen in my senior citizen life. (almost)  He has to do a great job.  That’s how Donald Trump is made. Term Limits are going to clean out the corruption in our Congress.  The man who runs for Congress in my area has been in office over 30 years and has run unencumbered until this year. What has he done for us?  It’s one of the biggest shit holes in the nation.  Times up sweetie!  Get out!  Our city has been run by black democrats for 30 years including F.B.I. investigation arrests for bribery Voter fraud. City andCounty officials not even living in the areas they supposed to be representing, which is required. Racism is big money here. Keep  it all racist all the time.  They even have a place where you can go to start racial shit. The Lorraine Motel.  It good for tourism bringing people into the downtown area where you can be raped, robbed and killed all in one night!  I guess that does kinda kill the tourism part as they won’t be paying for another night at whatever hotel they stayed at. Every one closes their eyes to the violence that goes on black against white in this town.  News Media no longer gives the race of a suspect on be on the lookout for!  Not even in an amber alert situation. You want to know why companies won’t come to our town or area???  The available work force.  Ignorant people. Lazy people and guess what color they are!!!! You got it!  This is real life not the politically correct life they push on us.  And why are all the new shows pushing accepting a deviant life style on us???  I watch a new Dr.Phil show the other day about how wicked a mother and father are for not allowing the 15 year old son to express himself as a GIRL!  It’s not the parents fault at all.  Just like when I wanted to do something insane while I lived with my parents, they told me I could wait until I was 18 and lived in my own house.  That’s just plain common sense and it worked.  All of the shows that are on T.V. today have gay characters   in them.  We are just expecting to be bombed any day now. Why not work as a team with the only other super power in the world?  Russia is not doing anything to us. The Muslims are.  Russians don’t protest that they are going to kill us all because we don’t believe like they do.  Wake Up.

Immigration.  Secure our borders and protect American citizens.  Spend our money on us instead of third world people sneaking across the border. Our country’s  first duty, not illegals.  No open borders. If you have open borders, Muslim are going to pour in and take over when they have a significant numbers of the population.  Go read that in history. Or the Koran about their seizing of Meccanever seen agan city.

The economy. There’s no one running that knows more on how to save money, employee people and build things than Donald Trump. He will clean out all unnessary federal government agencies.  He will bring something never before.  Bottom Line Accountability  Would you love to see our present officials have their feet held to the fire over the things they do?   I know I would.  Donald will cut all the “pork” out of the government.   Hillary will steal your grandmothers Social Security check and medicare insurance. Put her on a lower rung medical needs wise chart because after all, she’s lived long enough and it will just cost us more money to take care of her.

Now is the prime time for the Anti-Christ to swoop  down.  A world that is in crisis and looking for a savior.  A man that comes saying peace, peace.   Clamouring for security and giving  up their rights for it.  He will be saying he can fix it all.  And does, but just like be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.  Or maybe I just fixate on the end of the world.  It seems like I’m happier if I think it’s all gonna end. Gawd! I sound like a Rob Thomas song. I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell.  Continue reading

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Side Effects

I found out some more side effects for the numerous meds. I take.  Lexapro.  It makes you have a flat effect and distant.  Like you just don’t care about anything.  I have wondered about that.  I feel like I should have deeper feelings about things than I do. Oh yeah, I am full of piss and vinger.  I can piss off gobs of people  at a time. I am very outspoken and passonate about things. You know the two things people are not supposed to talk  about. Religion and Politics, I can’t seem to go without talking about it and I have a tendency to piss people off.  Like my doctor told me, people either love me or hate me.  Seems like I got a bunch hating on me right now, but when it comes to feelings, I feel like I’m missing something on the inside.  I have thought that I’d been hurt so much, I built a wall around my heart. I know that’s true too because I felt this way long before I was medicated.  I just kind of shut down.  Oh yeah, I can talk, laugh and be superfical but I don’t feel it in my heart.  Haven’t had a lot to be happy about but yesterday I decieded to live.  In the last four months, I have been sitting on the couch not doing anything.  I mean anything. Yeah I got up and feed myself, drank coffee and played on the computer. I only washed a load of clothes when I ran out of things to wear.  Rick’s company bought him loads of T-Shirts so you know I had plenty.  Well, not played on my computer but keeping my mind occupied to keep from thinking. My house was in horrible shape and my uniform of the day was a T-Shirt and a pair of  underwear. Saturday, I got up and cleaned everything with clorox, soap and water. Mopped, clean counters, appliances scrubbed everything and I felt better.  I dragged the couch away from the wall and cleaned behind it. GAWD!  I found Barney’s toys, 3 balls, 2 hamburgers and a hot dog AND fifteen pounds of dog hair. I use a fan in the living room and evidently it blows most of the dog hair under the couch I guess. Oh and 2 pairs of my shoes and the mate to one of my sandles. Shoes that I won’t be wearing for a while because as I was moving the couch, I could only lift it up a little and the leg scrapped across the top of my big toe and rippped it open. At least it’s clean and smells better in here. After all, I can’t just wait to die in a dirty house. Today I actually cleaned my bedroom and dusted. It looks so much better. While I was cleaning my desk, I had a desktop  in there that died when a transformer blew and I deceided to take it out to the street for the garbage. I don’t know why, but my WI-FI quit working. I started sweating!  No computer???  No! It can’t be!  How can I function without my WI-FI?  I started plugging everything back up to my dead computer and the WI-Fi came back on!  Finally!  My stomach, which I hadn’t realized I was clenching, relaxed.  The dead computer is still sitting on my desk but at least it’s been dusted off. 

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I Guess I’m Mean. 

Well, a couple or three people called me mean yesterday. It was over Gary Johnson and this presidential election.  I advised the people that were voting for him, the futility of voting for him because he had no way of winning.  Look at the math.  A wasted vote.  They actually told me they wanted to waste their vote.  I couldn’t believe it.  This election year is more important than any other election in the past 35 years!  I told them that it would just be a vote for Hillary and they laughed at me and said Hillary supporters said it would be a vote for Trump. I can’t understand these people. I thought I was informed about all the candidates but I guess I’m just mean.  I guess I’m like Trump in that area because  the only thing media can say about Trump is that he said mean things but I guess that’s wrong and I’m just mean.I think I’m only outspoken but I don’t have the money Trump does so  I guess that makes me an asshole.  Oh boy! Did I make sure these people saw the clip from MSNBC interviewing Johnson and he had no idea about any other countries leaders. Not even their names. I am passionate about this election. As a matter of fact, it seems to be holding me together for these past 4 months.  It was something my husband and I enjoyed. We watched Trump’s campaign speeches together and we shared together our opinions.  He’s been dead for 4 months now and it’s the only thing that keeps my mind occupied. I talk to his picture sitting on top of his ashes now.

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