I Really, Really Don’t Know What To do

My husband died on May 18.  My world world was torn asunder.  Then 2 days later as my granddaughter mother, texted to offer her condolesant and said,  I know this is a terrible time to ask but can my granddaughter to move in with me.  She’s turn 18 6 months ago and she has been screaming she wanted to move out as soon as she has turned 18 but she has done nothing to save any money or hold a stable job. She will not even pay her car insurance or phone bill.  She had a job with a Vet clinic and worked maybe 10 hours a day, she quite that and deceided  to prusue babysitting. Of course she calls in being a Nanny but she is a baby sitter. Her family has money and has given her everything.  Her mother got married 10 years ago and I haven’t been allowed to have much contact as I feel she was trying to cut off any ties to this side of the family.  Now that they have made the problem they want me to deal with the mess.  I live in a small place and I don’t even had room for her stuff. Her stepfather packed up her room, because she won’t do it, and he threw everything in her room into black garbage bags and unloaded them.  I still have 7or 8 bags on the front porch and these are very pricey thing.  They had been over here for 4 days and I have yet to hear from my granddaughter.  I messaged her mother last night and told her I couldn’t do it. I had no idea of how out of hand she had become because I’m not considered part of the family so I didn’t NEED to know.  I am ourtaged at the way  they are treating me.  Her other grandmother call me crying at my loss today BUT it wound up all about my granddaughter and how I need to help her grow up.  Now mind you, I losed a big part of income with Rick’s death. But they don’t care. I am not physically able to do it.  I agree to let her stay with me thinking it would be a blessing to me to have her here.  Now I haven’t even had time to mourn Rick and a lot of his stuff is in the front bedroom.  Her other grandmother and grandfather will not allow her to move back into their house because of her baviour and they want me to handle her behavior by myself.  They kept tellinng me I HAD to to put my foot down with her and TELL her to follow the rules.  It hasn’t work in either one of their homes so why would it work here?  I had to keep telling the other grandmother, serveral times that I CAN’T AND WON’T let her live with me because she would cause me to have a nervour breakdown with the way she is acting. Her behavior is causing a rip between her mother and her husband and the grandmother is saying her husband will divorce her if she let her move back in with them.  So, can you see how this works?  Better to let her wreak my life instead of their own.  I don’t know how I would live without writing.  It is my thearpy. Someone I can express how I feel and my thoughts. Thank you for being there for me.

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If You Don’t Want To Get Nuked Don’t Bomb Pearl Harbor — PUMABydesign001’s Blog

Once again, the malignant narcissist and asshole, Barack Obama, finds himself on the wrong side of history. Breitbart News by James Delingpole President Obama has kowtowed to the Japanese and Western liberals by promising at the site of the Hiroshima nuclear bomb “we shall not repeat the evil.” People who agree with this sentiment ought […]

via If You Don’t Want To Get Nuked Don’t Bomb Pearl Harbor — PUMABydesign001’s Blog

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Lonely

Lonely, hope abandoned, Unmourned at death. A useless breath

Bright colors and sharp angles. Energy tingling along the skin. Dance says the soul, dance. And we fall smilingly into sin. Rage roaring out of control. Tounge and brain razor sharp. Shattering glass to lessen the rage. Stupid people, stupid places and stupid thing.

These are my days, all in a row. Life’s rollercoaster ride, ebbs and flows.

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Keyhole in Heaven

This is what I see

When I look thur the keyhole

of Heaven

Colors unimageable, Colors that dance in the sun.

Highlights that give depth of color

Grass as thick an soft as carpet

Green and sparkling as a cut emerald

Great spreading trees. Leaves as big as two palms,

fruit hanging like glistening pears

And a river runs thur it. Clean and clear.

Polishing the rocks as it bubbles by.

On the hozison a house made of crystal. Cut and polished to reflect the light.

A prism of color shone in the air around the house, inviting me into the cocoon

of light.

 

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I Must Write RAGE

MY husband has been dead 8 days and I’m so pissed. As soon as I determined he was really, turly dead, I dialed 911. I then called my mother and she said she would be right there.   Mind you, she is 77 years old and a lung cancer patient. My mother and sister live together and I just assumed ( which makes an ass out of me ) my sister would be with her. See, I told you it makes me an ass.

My sister lost her husband from agent orange.  It eat him alive.  They knew he was dying. Hell, he had Hosice!  Rick’s death hit me like a fist to the stomach. My mother stayed at my sister’s house so he could die at home. They knew he had hours to live.  He died. I was there for my sister every step of the way. I have encourged her to get out and just mix with people. Any people. But she never did.  Her husband has been dead for 10 years.  Years before her husband died, he helped  pay for some of his relatives to be buried. They were in the country in Arkansas.  She complined all the time. See, her husband worked for the Post Office and made good money and benefits.

Then about 5 years ago my son killled himself.  Out of the Blue. Nobody would have ever thought he would kill himself, he loved life too much.  The service of creamation and a viewing was three thousand dollars.  My sister wrote a check for it.  I paid her back. Every penny.   Now,she didn’t even try to talk to me for 6 days. Not a phone call, text or visit.  I told my momma that I know exactly word for word she said.  ‘Good. I never like that bastard and I’m glad he’s dead. And I’m not paying to bury his ass.’   I asked momma a couple of days after Rick was dead, ‘What did she say when you told her Rick was dead and she said, Nothing.  Nothing?  Fucking Nothing?  She nodded. How could she be mad at the man that just died?  The one who has taken care of me for ten years?   I felt like I had been punched hard in the stomach as I got our of bed. She came up with Momma six days later.  Momma stayed with me for 2 1/2 days.  I knew she was very uncomfortable here.  I have Barney and Mo Mo in the house and she hates dogs. It wasn’t her bed, it wasn’t her chair so I asked her to go home. I meant home for  good.  I was just hurry up and wait mode.  She finally when home.  But she  came back Saturday.  When she and momma pulled up, I had to put Barney out, but Barney wasn’t going anywhere.   I assured them Barney wouldn’t bite them, that they came in.  I put Barney out using the leash when the door was closed. She sat in a wing chair right in front of me and momma off to my left in another wing chair.  Quiet. Momma when in to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee.  Still Nothing.  Momma came back in and sat down.  Momma and I started to talk Rick’s services and how to get custody of his body. The cost to do so.  My sister told me I should just buried his ass with the money he left me.  My mouth fell open! I used to scream and cuss at people.  Not with her.  I looked her in the eye with and said in a calm level voice. ‘Teresa you are a mean and hateful person.I know the first words out of your mouth and I can’t believe you would talk to me horriblly, Calling me idiot, lunitic, lazy and any number of awful names.  You just talked horrible about Rick and I want you to take your money and shove it straight up your ass. I wouldn’t take a penny from you. I’ve had it with you and I’m washing my hands of you. Momma started screaming ‘Y’all stop it! I did it to help you. Not listen to you ying yanging.  I looked at her and asked What ying yane?  I’m dead servios about every word I said.  Teresa sat there not even looking at me for a minute or two.  It felt like a 100 years before she got up and walked out.  With her spray tan that we were supposed to be for the vaction she and I were going to take.  When she walked out the door I turned to momma and asked if she could at least back me when I’m right?  She said she felt like she was being tugged in to.  I drop my jaw again.  I said, Even when she was so clearly wrong?  Six days later is a great big fuck you.  Momma said I didn’t give her time to apoligize. I let her in the door didn’t I ?   She had six days to call an tell me she was sorry for my loss. Wouldn’t use a phone to call or test me for SIX DAYS !  She said that she was morooned at my house because my sister took he car home.  I told her I would take her right then, to go get her things. She said No and then I encourraged her to go, that I would be happy to take her.  She didn’t. She stayed so she could go to the funeral home with me to make the arrangement. Rick’s very good friend and co-worker has been a rock for me.  He came over as soon as he heard and has been helping me with the arrangement and checking on me ever since.  The three of us went and all three of us chipped in on Rick’s service.  His friend said the company was talking up money for the cost with the owner of the company kicking in.  Momma put the balance of the service on her credit card. I assured her that what ever I got from the company would go straight to her.  She told me that I could pay it off 10 dollars a month if I wanted to.  She said, So what?  I’ll be dead soon. and laughed.  I guess it’ll be me, momma and his co-workers at his service. It be that way some days.

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After Life.

My  Husband has been dead for 5 days and I believe in the after life. Wednesday morning at around 4:45 my Rick had a massive heart attack. Wednesday afternoon a lady down the street came up and talked to me and to offer her condolances.  We talked for about two hours.  She told me something that I didn’t know.  If you see a red bird that’s a visit from from the other realm.  The next morning Momma saw a red bird land on the porch railing and looked in the front window. The next day his alarm  clock goes off. I had to unplug it to make it stop. Maybe his 3 days has passed away and he said Goodby to me and make sure I would be Okay.  Now, I think he is in heaven with all the people who loved him there.  There is one story I haven’t told and it was 50 years ago with he was 9 years old when he was mowed down by  a  drunk driver on his way walking to school.  He told me that he saw the gates of Heaven and the fog was there.  He said the gates slammed shut and the next thing he saw was the light and roof of  an ambulance.  Funny thing is my Uncle owned the ambulance company that picked him up.  God wasn’t ready to for him to go.

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Welfare Check

Thursday night after Rick died I wanted to shut my phone and tablet down and not answer the door, I didn’t want to have to tell anybody else how Rick died over and over again. I was numb. I couldn’t image how I was going to live without him in my life. Shock. Everywhere I looked I saw Rick and I was drowning in memories that rushed thur my mind of how he and I had talks about a painting he brought or a piece of furniture and we would laugh about things and how we thought we looked like a fine furniture basement sale! Nothing hardly matched. Maybe by the different colors?  But it was us. We loved our little home. It’s an old house that is falling apart but we had a good roof and slowly fixed her up.

Back to the phone. After I turned my tablet off  I reached for the phone to turn it off and not answer it, Mother yelled, Don’t You dare turn your phone off!  She didn’t care about the tablet  but the phone was another thing all together.  Momma came and stayed with me for two and one half days.  I knew she was uncomfortable, not her chair, or bed or the fact that I have a dog and a cat.  Barney was very upset that Rick wasn’t here. When Momma and I went to bed, we were sharing the queen size bed and she slept on Rick’s side of the bed.  Momma gets up a couple of times a night to pee and when she got up Barney said, Oh No! She’s is sleeping on Rick’s side and promptly got into bed and stretched out and laid his head on Rick pillow. When she came back Barney won’t let her back in bed.  He was lying on his back with his legs sticking straight up.  He’s quite big. So she carried her blanket to the couch.  After she was there Barney came into the living room and licked her face.  She said, Alright now Mr. You won’t let me sleep in the bed so now leave me alone.  This morning before she left said, You had better answer you phone when I call.  That’s a mighty pretty security door and wood door to have knocked down by the police when they did a welfare check.

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