I am losing my mind.  Everything has gone to shit and I can’t see a way out.  I am wreaked and so is my house.  First, I had everyone looking for Rick’s half sister that he hadn’t seen for 55 years. Well, someone contacted her after his obit was in the paper.  She lives inCalifornia  and called me.  I told her I had tried to contact her and I followed what Rick’s wishes to have him cremate and spread his ashes on the  on the cremation.  The funeral home told me, after I hacondolisences they have had   him for 11 days, that Rick’s half sister needed to e-mail her or write a letter to give her permission  No one informed me of it.  Mind you it’s already paid for.  I called her and some old man answered and I asked for her and he said she wasn’t home so I gave him a message to give her and what it was about.  No call, so I tried at night and got her answering machine and left a message.  She is in her seventies and I got snippy in the message that her brother had been laying dead for two weeks and I needed to take care of him.  No answer.  What can I do???  I hate people. HATE HATE, HATE THEM.

After Rick died, both pairs of my glasses broke. Each one had an arm missing. The dog ate my bottom denture. The commode is broken and won’t flush right and I have to tank the tank lid off to fix it.  The kitchen light blew. My airconditioner broke. Everything is falling apart and the in the middle of all this, my out of control granddaughter got dumped on me.  They never let me know how out of control she was so they packed her stuff in garbage bags and dumped them here when they didn’t even know where she was and I didn’t know where she was.  Almost a week this stuff sat there and then I posted that the next day was garbage day and if anybody wanted everything to come pull it off the curb.  I was so mad at her and her parents and other grandparents.  None of them would allow her to live with them because of her behavior.  So, why pick me when my husband had just died?  I have found people lie so much.  Not only my granddaughter but all the other people said if I need anything done to just call them.  Yeah right. Only two people have stood by me and that was my mother and a friend I hadn’t talked to in years.  Mind you, I have two brothers and a sister.  My sister didn’t even say sorry for your lose.  She came up with Momma on day six or seven. I let them in the door and my sister sat down in the wind chair opposite me.  She didn’t say a word.  It was tension was tight, so I finally told her exactly how she acted. She was a mean and hateful person. She still didn’t say anything, a few minutes later she left.  My momma told me I didn’t give her enough time for her to apoligize.  I screamed Six Days! She had six days and I let her in the door, didn’t I?  My mother came to her defense so I told momma to go home and tend to her daughter.  That she couldn’t even take my side when she was so clearly wrong and I am right?  I also told her that everybody in my family just had a 4 day weekend and not even a call. I am sick of the people where he worked because they were throwing a memorial for Rick and take up a collection to help pay for his service.  Yeah, right..


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Breakdown, Breakdown. It’s all going to breakdown.


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Breakdown, Breakdown. It’s all going to breakdown.

It’s been 13 months since Rick died and I have no idea of how I’ve made it this far.  I am  disabled and draw social security and I lost 2/3 of the monthly income.  Plus, all the things Rick use to do for me.  He was the man of the house and did manly things like cut the yard, rake leaves, carry heavy things, check on our vehicles, etc.  Last May, June, July and August a young boy cut my yard for 20 bucks.  My mother gave me money to pay him with. Now, there is no young man to cut it. Late September on the leaves started falling in the front yard and it didn’t need cutting. The leaves and gumballs stayed on the ground all winter.  Then I got a room mate in April.  My room mate was a man and I gave him reduced rent for cutting the yard. He also raked it. At first I thought it was going to be a great deal with the room mate.  I let him know up front how I felt about alcoholics.  I told him I didn’t care if he had a beer or two when he came home from work. Well, his idea of a couple and mine were two different things. He call a 40 oz one.  He became to fond of his beers and pain pills so the happy room mate deal didn’t work out.  Now I am sitting here looking out the window at the front yard and wondering if I can even start the lawn mower.  It’s only a couple of years old but you have to pull the cord to start it.  And prime it too!  Can’t forget that all important starting trick!  I am on Tax Relief on my property taxes but somehow it didn’t get done last year so I got a thing from the tax people that I owed my taxes. I got sick ot my stomach.  I pulled my bank account dry and some of the rent money I received the short while he was here and paid the taxes but that meant I couldn’t fed myself the last two weeks of the month.  I had to borrow money from my sister.  I’m still in the having to borrow money.  I’m grateful I have a sister that can help me.  Then I got the letter telling me that my psychiatrist was leaving his practice.  I am bi-polar.  I’ve spent days calling any psychiatrist I could find and asking three questions.  Number one, were they taking new patients, two did they except Medicare and three could I get an appointment.  Many phones rang and rang and bumped to a recording.  That was if the mailbox empty.  Most mailboxes were full and you couldn’t leave a message.  No, they didn’t take medicare or they only handled teenagers. No they were taking new patients.  I only have a couple more weeks of medicine.  I hate the side effects of my medicine but like my beloved Doctor B told me, You can either be drugged or totally out of control.  I’m too old now to spiral out of control now.  It’s trying to even think about the anger or the rage.  It consumes you.  All your muscles are pulled tight in that fight or flight feeling on a daily basis.  I would love the happy,, manic time but it would be followed by the rage. After the rage would come the deep dark,dark depression. I won’t survive another trip there.  I still think about killing myself since Rick died, but on medicine, that’s all I do is think about it.  I don’t try and carry it out. My world is a lonely one but I don’t want to get out and people.  I don’t people real well. People are assholes most of the time.  It’s silent at my house except if I’m talking to the dog or cat. I miss my bubble.  My bubble had everything I needed in it. Me, Rick, food, good times, my animals all in one house. That was my bubble.  I didn’t need other people in my bubble with their drama.  I don’t like drama, but I must admit that without medicine my first name is drama.  I thrive on it. And I can’t do that again. I feel like my whole life is coming undone.  Breaking down. 

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Well, my experience with a new room mate isn’t that good.  I thought I had a good one but as it turns out, if it’s to good to be true you know it’s not going to be good.  I had my first room mate since Rick died.  I needed the money and one of my sister’s facebook friends was looking for a room to rent.  She didn’t know him in person but by reading his blog, it seemed like an okay person.  Messed up in life but he was trying to get his life back in order thur his church family.  He called me a blessing to him.  He had been rooming with another couple,  bad influence, in a motel room by the week, and the pastor had to help them paying the rent and buy groceries.  He was working at the church off the books and paid daily in cash. 100.00 dollars a day.  He keep telling me that the couple he was living with always stayed in his pocket, wanting beer. He told me about all the other folks he has lived with and how he had to pay the bills.  All of them.  Every single one he lived with.  That should have been a warning sign but I just thought they were the drunks nd pill crowd he was trying to get away from.  He was great at first. Cutting the yard for a reduced rent. He had washed my car twice. The only  problem at first was his HUGH mouth. He would not stop talking. It didn’t matter what I was doing. I watch few shows on T.V. that I like and I read all the time. He would not shut up. Talking thur the show, interrupting so my solutions to that was the more he talked the louder I turned up the sound. If anyone wanted to know why my T.V. was sat on 40 volume, they could ask David. I told him the first day I rented to him, I didn’t care if he had a beer or two after work but I hated an alcoholic.  Every thing about it. The lifestyle, the lyinng, everything thing.  His idea of a couple of beers meant 40 ounces. Stumbling drunk. Both his parents and a couple of uncles died from dsease of the liver. I asked him if he wanted to die like that.  Every memory he had included alcohol and being drunk.  Then I found out he was a pill head. The first week he lived with me, he asked me to run him to a friends house. I drove over there and he went into the house. He came back to the car within a minute. After he got into the car, he told me that he had gone over there because he had a headache and only oxyicodone (sp) would work. I told him the only person I risked going to jail over is ME. No more rides to pick up pills ,which is a federal crime.  Why did he ask me to go?  He had 5 DUI’S and no licence. A couple more red flags, but I thought he’s a grown man and he could do whatever with his life. He had nothing but the clothes on his back when he moved in. His explanation was his baby momma had kicked him out without letting him have anything.  He forgot to tell me that it was over 20 years ago.  He came in one night and was to drunk to put the key in the lock to open the door, so I opened it for him. Then he was to drunk to open the door and walk inside. He was holding the door open and my dog was fixing to bolt out the door. I told him that night if he was going to get that drunk again, he could stay right where he was. At the bar or one of his friends. Well, the next day  I told him that if he let my dog out, I would shoot him. Then I told him later that if he let my dog out, I really wouldn’t shoot him, just feel like I would shoot him. He told his bose and the minister that he had to go to Satan’s playground to get people to come to church.  Ha!  He was the one playing in Satan’s playground and never brought any of them to church.  He used to go to church on Wesday night and Sunday then stopped. Well, he was late on his rent and I told him that was unacceptable an  it mustn’t happen again. He started not going to church and was laying off work because he was hung over.  He was late on his rent again. He called me and told me that he had 80 dollars for his rent and would be right home.  Again he didn’t come home.  Once again he couldn’t get in the house because he lost his key. I got up and let him in and went back to bed. When I got up the next morning, he was still here.  Taking off work again because he was still drunk when I let him in.  Now, he didn’t have the eighty dollars and he was taking off again?  When would I get my rent?  The following weeks rent when he would have owed me two weeks rent and I knew I wasn’t going to get it, so I kicked him out that morning. He was hiding from me in his bedroom.  He was texting from his bedroom into the next room. I called his name  and told him to come out of the bedroom and talk to me. He finally came out and that’s when I told him he was kicked out. That’s when he started getting pissed and told me that he was going to find a new room mate anyway because I stayed up in his business. I told him he made it my business when he couldnt’t pay rent.  He got up and walked out the door. He came over later and picked up his clothes. I place another ad for a room mate and specified NO alcoholics OR PILL POPPERS. I had told David that his addiction with pain pills would lead to him losing everything and when the pills got to be to more money he didn’t have, he would turn to heroin because it was cheap.  I told him I knew what I was talking about because the same thing happened to my son which leaded him to hang himself.  I guess that was what he was talking about when he said I got all up in his business.  Oh well.  So, he is back with his duggie alcoholic friends.  A lesson learned for me.

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Real Life

It’s to bright and shiny out there. Bright colors and sharp angles in real life.  I’d rather be medicated and sink in the nothingness of not caring about anything.  It is better than facing the realities of life like, losing your home to back taxes but alas, I can’t.  I have to take care of me.  I rant and rave about my house and neighborhood but you know, I’ve got it better than so many people. Real Homelessness is a reality for so many people. I am disabled and live on a fixed income. I signed up for the tax relief on my home, which I own free and clear. It’s been in my family for over 30 years, I’m just the last one to buy it from another family member but city and country real estate taxes must be paid every year. Some how I missed signing up for tax relief last year and I got a notice to appear thing about my back taxes.  I thought, ‘Oh no! What if I owed for the years I thought I was on tax relief?  10 11 years? How many thousands of dollars?   Where would I find the money?  I wouldn’t find any was the sad reality.  The fine print said they could “set me out”.  On the curb. I felt a jolt of electric pain in my stomach area. Constricting.  Fear. Real and raw. Sweat began forming on my forehead and I couldn’t catch my breath.  My hands were shaking like the proverbal leaf.  I could loss everything!  My home could be taken. My home that I worked and paid for could be taken for back taxes. How is that? What would happen to me?  How would I live?  I couldn’t see living without a place to lay my head or the security of going to sleep. Frightening, truly frightening. I lost Rick almost one year ago and two weeks before that my ex husband died. My son died 6 years ago and I am truly alone.  I am the only one left to take care of me.  Things that have fallen apart in the past year and I can’t do anything about them.  I was in a major full blown panic attack. It was 10:30 or 11:00 at night.  My room mate got up for his midnight snake and I told him that I needed him to help me!  He wanted to know if I needed to go to the hospital. I must have been a sight.  No, I told him and then explained about the back taxes. I looked at him and said I can’t lose my house! I need you to stay here and help me because I can’t lose my house!  I knew I couldn’t do a thing about it at that time of night but that didn’t help matters any.  I think my room mate thought I had lost my mind.  He asked me if he could look at the papers and I handed them to him.  He read for a few minutes and told me to slow down. That I didn’t owe but a small amount and may not have to pay that.  He said I needed to call ASAP and see what was up. Well, I knew that but I thanked him for talking me down because I was in panic mode.  I called the next morning and set up a payment plan on the phone. I didn’t owe thousands but a couple hundred.  We may eat beans and taters for a couple of months unless room mate wants to buy steaks, but at least I’m not in danger being set “on the curb”.  A horrifing reality to many people.  Then I texted my room mate and told him not to worry that he didn’t have to come home to a crazy landlady.  I really do need to keep my room mate.  

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When Jesus Comes Back

The past couple of weeks, I have been thinking alot about Jesus’s return.  Jesus was crusified on good friday and taken from the cross before Sabbath. The day after the Sabbath Mary Magdolin and Mary mother of Jesus went to the tomb to annoint his body.  Ok, let’s stop right there.  Jewish Law forbids an unmarried female to touch a man body. It would have to be his wife and his mother. I don’t understand how people see him being married is a sin. God came to earth in the flesh to live a man’s life. To show how a mere man can live a Holy life.  In everyday life. God commanded  Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply. Sex is a gift of God to the mortal man and woman in marriage.  It would not effect my faith in Jesus Christ for even a moment if he was married. 

 But Mary Magdolin and Mary, his mother are the only ones who  stayed by Jesus’s side. In bringing Jesus before the court all the male disciples ran off and said they never knew him.  Mary Magdolin and Mary stayed at the foot of the cross while the male disciples deserted him.  It was Mary Magdolin and Mary who went to the tomb to appont him with oils (as per Jewsih law, only his wife and his mother could touch his body)  and found that he had risen.  They were the first to see the risen Messiah.  So, why such hostility about women and marriage?  It ought to be shameful to men to know they cut and ran and not the fact that Jesus was married.  Jesus came to earth in human form to experience life as a mortal man. Being married is in the life of a mortal man. He arose and promised to return one day. The Second Coming.  Now let us talk about the second coming. What will happen if Jesus came back today?  Would the media has live action cameras and announce the aliens, our creators, have returned?  Would we believe it?  Would people believe that being abducted was being raptured?  Would we kill Christ a second time?   The tribulations are going on today and the Anti-Christ returns first for those of you would read the Bible know.  Jesus told us of the tribulations that we would go thur.Wars, rumors of wars, famaine, beheadings,being killed in his name and immediately After the three days of darkness and the moon as blood so shall all see the coming of the Son of Man in the cloulds. And to those who make it until the end.  Did you read that?  No pre-trib rapture. No secret coming to save you beforehand.   You will have to make it to the end to be raptured. When you die, your soul goes to heaven or hell.  The gates of Heaven were opened by Jesus Christ blood.  The Lamb’s blood. So, who are the dead in Christ?  I mean no harm to anyone, I just want the truth. I love debating with people about this, but so many people want to call me a devil instead of talking.  I have been on my own personal search for God for about 30 years now and I think me and Jesus are tight.   I do try however to picture the second coming and what will be going on. It’s beyond my mind.

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Annunkia Major Bible Figures

I am  writing this to the people who are familar with the story of the Annunkia and the Creation of man and the Bible.  The main people in this story is Enki and Enlil, half brothers. One heir to the thrown and the other, though first born was not of a half sister. Royalty.  Enki came here and was the chief medical officer along with his half sister. Enki studied much of the earth and it’s inhabitants. When the first guy that came here, I can’t remember his name, all that he saw were snakes in a lake pond. Anyways, he  built up the things around and scouted in his space suit. He found gold in the ocean here. Gold that Nirburi needed by it was scarce, so dude that first came down used it as a bargaining chip as it were. If you check Genesis, you will see that God saw the gold and it was good. So thus  began the journey for heros from Nubiru to work for gold, 300 of them and the King’s prince and half brother. Enlil and Enki. Like I said Enki was medical and stuff.  The annunkia started mining the gold but it wasn’t fast enough for them so they moved to the mountains that were lined with gold. It wasn’t easy at all  and after a while, they revolted so Enki took one of the lastest monkeys and dabbled with them.  They finally made a being that was smart enough to follow directions and do labor but not living long like them. Not bright enough to survive on their own. They knew nothing outside the garden.When they started to reproduce Enlil kicked them out of the garden. Not knowing wearing of clothes, of providing food, providing ways to help themselves by the cutting of roots. Nothing. Enki taught them the things they need to know and got labled Satan for helping them living outside the garden. That made annunkias happy for a while. Then they got to looking at the animalist way they were having sex and got aroused. You know men, any port in the storm. That led to smarter beings.It was forbidden to have sex with these animals. Enki made them able to reproduce so they were spiting em out coming and going.  They made so much noise Enlil couldn’t stand them! He grieve Enki had ever made them and was not about to tell them that their home planet was do for a fly by and cause the flood. The ledgend of Gilamash.  Enlil swore Enki to secrecy and Enki agreed but he had a human son, which was a Nephilum and wondered what to do.  He went to his sons encampment and spoke to a reed wall, telling the wall about the coming flood. His son on  the other side of the reed wall.He saved his son and didn’t break the pledge. After the fly by, the annunkias relized they needed the humans for their labor and helped them out.Enlil was the Yahway of the Old Testament and Enki as Satan.

Now on to Jesus. When  he taught us how to pray. He said, Our Father who art in heaven (in the sky). He did not say to pray to Yahway or Johovah, but our Father. That means God is our Father and is Jesus’s Father. He also told people call no man Father but our Father in heaven. Hint Catholics.  Now, didn’t Jesus tell us we are as gods? Hybirds?  Now those folks over in the middle east and jews worship Enlil. The God of Violence. Yaway. Allah. That’s why they rejected Jesus. He wasn’t the warrior Messiah they wanted. Muslims and Jews are waiting for the Anti-Christ. He willl appear and say he is God and that comes right along with the end times for Christians. Those who believe in the rapture will  fall for this and worship him. The great falling away from the church. If the rapture was going to happen before the tribulations, don’t cha think they should be gone by now? After all, they are beheading Christians and the wimps around here won’t even speak up for God at work or in the Pulpit for fearing of losing that all mighty dollar. Think they won’t take the mark? lolololol oh, they have good reasons like needing to feed the children but take it they will. I don’t think they will like Enlil but it’ll be to late then. He is a destroyer of mankind. I think the roles got reversed because after all Enlil was royalty. He won no matter what and Enki went down. Now, what are they going to unleash with Cern?  The gates of hell like Jesus said would be something man has never seen nor thought of before. Demons or aliens from the underground? If annunkia came here, don’t you think others have too? If they had the ability to make this hellious journey here before we were even thought about, it’s perfectly reasonable to think others can too. Of course we don’t understand why or how to contact them. It makes me laugh at people that say they can’t do something like traveling interdementions. We just haven’t got that smart yet.

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Two Strangers In A House.

Friday marked 8 months since Rick died. It has been so hard both emotional and financial.  I couldn’t make it to the end of the month without borrowing money from my family.  I know I needed a roommate but the thought of that is scary I know you will think I’m racist as hell but when have I let that bother me?  Anyway, I was talking about a nice single hard working Mexican, then I realized that harbouring an illegal comes with a 10 year prison term so that idea went out the window.  About two weeks ago my sister told me that one of her friends was looking for a room to rent.  I asked her if she knew him personally and she said no, but by looking at his post she said he was trying to straighten up his life with the church. I called his phone number and left a message. Well, he called me Monday and I told him he could come over and we would talk about it. He had referances his preacher would vouch for him. He was clean, clear eyed and was a talker. He moved in that night.  He was desparate to move. He said he had been staying with a couple and they had a really bad alcohol problem with the lady being bi-polar and unmedicated. Being as I’m bi-polar and know how out of control you can become, I agreed to let him move in.  It lifted a weight off my shoulders money wise.  The first night, I felt weird to go to bed with a stranger in my house.  Barney, my dog, kept going in his room to see if he was still here and why??  After getting a few boundries laid, we have been getting along pretty good.  Friday morning as he left for work, I told him we seemed to be doing pretty well for two strangers thrown together and he agreed.  My mother feels so much better that I wasn’t here alone and had a man in the house.  My room mate and I talked about us being room mate and I told him I started to put his picture up on facebook and tell my friends that if I winded up  dead, he was the one they should be looking for.  He laughed and laughed and said I wouldn’t have blamed you if you did!  So yesterday, I took a picture of him while he was talking on the phone.  I posted it on facebook and said, “here my almost to true to be real roomate. I hope he’s not a scopath working his way into my home so if I woke up dead one morning that he was the one to look for!  I’m glad he has a great sense of humor.  Things appear to be going good.  He works for the church and goes every Wendays and Sunday.  He brings people to church by talking to them.  These are people who are from his past that he is still friends with even though they laugh at him for going to church so he visits them and in the course of talking, he tells them what a difference it makes in his life and tells them he sure wished they’d come to church. He offers to come and pick them up for church and tell them it is a come as you are church. You dont’ have to worry about clothes.  He works five to 6 days a week.  He said that they were his family. His church family.  Oh, he’s no angel but bless his heart, he is changing his life for the better.  He told me he was raised in church but like so many people, he fell away from the church when he was grown.  He said he was older and saw where his life was headed if he didn’t stop the lifestyle so he decided to change it.  Oh and speaking of church, the second night he was here, he fixed us dinner.  He brought my plate to me (we eat in the living room) and went back to fix his plate.  I was shoveling food in my mouth and he came back, place his plate on the T.V tray then proceeded to pray.  There I was, heathen that I am, sat with my mouth full and bowed my head!  He blessed the pizza last night before he ate. I had only taken one bite and told him he’d have to help me remember to not eat before he prayed.  He told me that his food tasted better after he blessed it and he also prayed for those who had nothing to eat.

About one and half weeks before he moved in, I  was reducing the amount of anti-depressants I take because I could no longer just be a medicated slug on the couch and cleaned my house which had been severely dirty for the past eight months.  With a room mate I now have a job.  Get up and clean the house.  Gone are the days of sitting in my t-shirt and underwear. I actually have to put on a bra and pants now!  But it does make me feel better to get up and get dressed. Before I had no reason to as I didn’t go anywhere or have anyone to come visit me.  I am not as medicated and have a little more motivation.  My roomate keeps telling me what a blessing I am to him.  I’m beginning to think he’s a blessing to me.  He takes the garbage out!!!!! Something I hate to do. Hell, I’ve even married a time or two just to have someone to take the garbage out lol. He will cut my grass in the summer too!  He told me he could do most anything and would help me around the house.  It does indeed seem like blessing are falling from the sky!

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