I am losing my mind.  Everything has gone to shit and I can’t see a way out.  I am wreaked and so is my house.  First, I had everyone looking for Rick’s half sister that he hadn’t seen for 55 years. Well, someone contacted her after his obit was in the paper.  She lives inCalifornia  and called me.  I told her I had tried to contact her and I followed what Rick’s wishes to have him cremate and spread his ashes on the  on the cremation.  The funeral home told me, after I hacondolisences they have had   him for 11 days, that Rick’s half sister needed to e-mail her or write a letter to give her permission  No one informed me of it.  Mind you it’s already paid for.  I called her and some old man answered and I asked for her and he said she wasn’t home so I gave him a message to give her and what it was about.  No call, so I tried at night and got her answering machine and left a message.  She is in her seventies and I got snippy in the message that her brother had been laying dead for two weeks and I needed to take care of him.  No answer.  What can I do???  I hate people. HATE HATE, HATE THEM.

After Rick died, both pairs of my glasses broke. Each one had an arm missing. The dog ate my bottom denture. The commode is broken and won’t flush right and I have to tank the tank lid off to fix it.  The kitchen light blew. My airconditioner broke. Everything is falling apart and the in the middle of all this, my out of control granddaughter got dumped on me.  They never let me know how out of control she was so they packed her stuff in garbage bags and dumped them here when they didn’t even know where she was and I didn’t know where she was.  Almost a week this stuff sat there and then I posted that the next day was garbage day and if anybody wanted everything to come pull it off the curb.  I was so mad at her and her parents and other grandparents.  None of them would allow her to live with them because of her behavior.  So, why pick me when my husband had just died?  I have found people lie so much.  Not only my granddaughter but all the other people said if I need anything done to just call them.  Yeah right. Only two people have stood by me and that was my mother and a friend I hadn’t talked to in years.  Mind you, I have two brothers and a sister.  My sister didn’t even say sorry for your lose.  She came up with Momma on day six or seven. I let them in the door and my sister sat down in the wind chair opposite me.  She didn’t say a word.  It was tension was tight, so I finally told her exactly how she acted. She was a mean and hateful person. She still didn’t say anything, a few minutes later she left.  My momma told me I didn’t give her enough time for her to apoligize.  I screamed Six Days! She had six days and I let her in the door, didn’t I?  My mother came to her defense so I told momma to go home and tend to her daughter.  That she couldn’t even take my side when she was so clearly wrong and I am right?  I also told her that everybody in my family just had a 4 day weekend and not even a call. I am sick of the people where he worked because they were throwing a memorial for Rick and take up a collection to help pay for his service.  Yeah, right..


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Side Effects

I found out some more side effects for the numerous meds. I take.  Lexapro.  It makes you have a flat effect and distant.  Like you just don’t care about anything.  I have wondered about that.  I feel like I should have deeper feelings about things than I do. Oh yeah, I am full of piss and vinger.  I can piss off gobs of people  at a time. I am very outspoken and passonate about things. You know the two things people are not supposed to talk  about. Religion and Politics, I can’t seem to go without talking about it and I have a tendency to piss people off.  Like my doctor told me, people either love me or hate me.  Seems like I got a bunch hating on me right now, but when it comes to feelings, I feel like I’m missing something on the inside.  I have thought that I’d been hurt so much, I built a wall around my heart. I know that’s true too because I felt this way long before I was medicated.  I just kind of shut down.  Oh yeah, I can talk, laugh and be superfical but I don’t feel it in my heart.  Haven’t had a lot to be happy about but yesterday I decieded to live.  In the last four months, I have been sitting on the couch not doing anything.  I mean anything. Yeah I got up and feed myself, drank coffee and played on the computer. I only washed a load of clothes when I ran out of things to wear.  Rick’s company bought him loads of T-Shirts so you know I had plenty.  Well, not played on my computer but keeping my mind occupied to keep from thinking. My house was in horrible shape and my uniform of the day was a T-Shirt and a pair of  underwear. Saturday, I got up and cleaned everything with clorox, soap and water. Mopped, clean counters, appliances scrubbed everything and I felt better.  I dragged the couch away from the wall and cleaned behind it. GAWD!  I found Barney’s toys, 3 balls, 2 hamburgers and a hot dog AND fifteen pounds of dog hair. I use a fan in the living room and evidently it blows most of the dog hair under the couch I guess. Oh and 2 pairs of my shoes and the mate to one of my sandles. Shoes that I won’t be wearing for a while because as I was moving the couch, I could only lift it up a little and the leg scrapped across the top of my big toe and rippped it open. At least it’s clean and smells better in here. After all, I can’t just wait to die in a dirty house. Today I actually cleaned my bedroom and dusted. It looks so much better. While I was cleaning my desk, I had a desktop  in there that died when a transformer blew and I deceided to take it out to the street for the garbage. I don’t know why, but my WI-FI quit working. I started sweating!  No computer???  No! It can’t be!  How can I function without my WI-FI?  I started plugging everything back up to my dead computer and the WI-Fi came back on!  Finally!  My stomach, which I hadn’t realized I was clenching, relaxed.  The dead computer is still sitting on my desk but at least it’s been dusted off. 

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I Guess I’m Mean. 

Well, a couple or three people called me mean yesterday. It was over Gary Johnson and this presidential election.  I advised the people that were voting for him, the futility of voting for him because he had no way of winning.  Look at the math.  A wasted vote.  They actually told me they wanted to waste their vote.  I couldn’t believe it.  This election year is more important than any other election in the past 35 years!  I told them that it would just be a vote for Hillary and they laughed at me and said Hillary supporters said it would be a vote for Trump. I can’t understand these people. I thought I was informed about all the candidates but I guess I’m just mean.  I guess I’m like Trump in that area because  the only thing media can say about Trump is that he said mean things but I guess that’s wrong and I’m just mean.I think I’m only outspoken but I don’t have the money Trump does so  I guess that makes me an asshole.  Oh boy! Did I make sure these people saw the clip from MSNBC interviewing Johnson and he had no idea about any other countries leaders. Not even their names. I am passionate about this election. As a matter of fact, it seems to be holding me together for these past 4 months.  It was something my husband and I enjoyed. We watched Trump’s campaign speeches together and we shared together our opinions.  He’s been dead for 4 months now and it’s the only thing that keeps my mind occupied. I talk to his picture sitting on top of his ashes now.

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I’m Not Going Crazy Or Am I?

I have been marching in hell for some time now.  I have wanted to just die and get away from it all but God won’t let me go.  Why didn’t God take me instead of my son?  He was bright and full of laughs. He was an artist. A showman. Always trying to be the peace keeper, not only in our house but to his friends too. I was ready to go, not him. I think I take on too much pain from other people. People have always said that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Maybe I feel to much.  Then again, I have been feeling a lot lately that I don’t feel anything at all on the inside. Like something inside me has died.  5 years ago, Brad died. Out of the two granddaughters I have, I only get to see one and now I have blown up at her.  She is 18 years old and her mother called me two days after Rick died and ask if she could move in with me. I said yes so they came over here with her junk in trash bags and dumped them. Then my granddaughter never showed up, called me or text me. I called no answer. I texted her the second night and said she needed to come to my house after work and she texted back k.  She was to busy parting on Memorial weekend to even let me know she wasn’t coming. I just couldn’t take on anymore stress and told her family to come and get her stuff but none of them wanted her to live with them either so I broadcast on facebook that the next day was garbage day and if anyone wanted anything they had better come and get it before it hit the curb. They finally came and got her stuff, which filled up my front bedroom and all across my front porch  My other granddaughter has been keep away from me. Lords only know why. I guess appearances mean more than family, especially if you have a mean, demanding, demeaning retired army captian that made a new careere in the government that he retired from too as a Grandfathef that rules with an iron fist.

Then not even 4 months ago Rick died.  When my son died, I had some electrical problems.  The lamp and the T.V. kept going off and on by itself the night my son died. I have always thought it was him letting me know he was still around. I can hear his voice in my head telling me, Come on Momma, you can figure this out’.  Now, things are happening fast. I have been able to feel Rick around since he’s been gone.  Two weeks ago I took pictures of my backyard and angels showed up in them. I took them with my smart phone. I guess that kind of digital captures them better I guess. Monday, I had to get out and run to the drug store and I as I was driving, I saw a man with his baseball hat on backwards, the way Rick always wore his, with a button down short sleve shirt picking up things.  He stepped out from under a tree and I saw him. When I looked in the rear view mirror, he had a white rag stuffed in his back pocket like Rick always had.  The song playing on the radio was that one that goes, You cut me open and I keep bleeding love, and I just kissed my two fingers and placed them to the sky and smiled. I think that was a sign for me.  I saw things on the computer that said things like if you are wondering if you  should commit suicide, don’t.  Then the next song I heard was, Talk to me, because I’m a little unsteady.  That’s what my friend does for me. I can call her and tell her I need to talk and she is always there.  I believe that is a sign for me from God.  For me to just hold on, you maybe a little unsteady right now but you have people that care about me.  Tuesday night the electricty in the kitchen and bathroom went out.  I flipped breakers and nothing happened. Then the front porch light started flickering. I turn the switch off. I thought to myself, That doesn’t look good.  It looks like a short in my wiring.  I sat in the living room talking to God while starring at the ceiling, asking him what was I suppose to do now?  I can’t afford an elctrician or to have my house rewired.  About an hour later, the porch light came on and stayed on. No Flickering. I ran to the kitchen and the first thing I saw was the red numbers on my coffee pot. I ran to the bathroom and flipped the light switch on and it was light, glorious light.  I looked at the ceiling and thanked Jesus.  Three nights before, I had removed the vent pipe to the hot water heater hoping it would kill me with carbon moxicide.  No such luck. This old house isn’t sealed good enough to keep it in!! Just my luck. I just got a headache and I left it off for two days.  So, I believe I’ve got God telling me to hold on even if I’m a little unsteady now but I have people on both sides of the veil trying to tell me to hold on. That I can figure this out. Something big is coming and it’s coming soon.  I know I’m a terrible person. The next morning after the electrity things, I was waken by some one knocking on my bedroom window.  I knew it was my mother because she has done it before if she came to visit and I was in the back of the house. I’m deaf in one ear.  But away, I open the door and Momma is standing there. This was a little after 8 in the morning and I asked her what she was doing at my house so early in the morning.  She said she was here with her credit card and said I need to call an electrician. I asked if my sister told her my electricty was back on and she said no. Mother doesn’t have facebook but my sister does and they live together.  Then she started in about how her key wouldn’t open my locked doors. I told her they never would have opened them if I was inside because I always keep my key in the lock and it won’t work. I told her I let her believe that so it would make her feel better. Then we got into an argument and I started bawling and crying. I hurt Momma’s feelings. She 78 years old, on social sercurity and has cancer. I was in a really bad place.  The next day I called momma and told her we couldn’t do this anymore because we were to old to be doing this. She said thank you. 

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Basket of Deplorables


This is what our government think of us. We hard working American Citizens who are sick of working for the lazy and wanting to keep ALL of our God given rights. Not Government given! 

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Heaven Help Me, I’m Confused

This past year, election year I have been following Trump. Thank God for Rightside Broadcasting Network or I would never know what the man really says when he speaks of things. The Main Stream Meida is so very governmentally controlled, they only tells us what their bosses tell them to tell us. Half truths and outright bald face lying. If it wasn’t for everyone having access to youtube we wouldn’t know what he said unless we went to every one of his campaigns. I have been following him since day one.  I believe him when he speaks. He knows what to do to turn this country around. Get rid of criminal illegal immigrants, huge financial burden lifted off the shoulders of American Citizens. A solid border and only immigrants that can help the United States and can assimulate into our Country will have legal immigration. Period. If you cross the border illegally, you are a criminal. I don’t care which country you came from or what color you are, you are a criminal.

Bringing our jobs back. The companies that have taken their jobs out of country will find it extrememly difficult and cost prohibative to sell their product back to the America citizens they have stolen from. Excellent! Boom!  They bring their plants back to the United States. Not because they fear Trump himself but they fear losing that pocketbook. That’s why they’ll come back, because of Trumps new border policies.  Everyone that says he can’t do it are wrong. The laws are already on the books, they are just not being upheld. Eisenhower, Carter have done it before. Japanese and Irainians. The vetting at the border Can be extreme. That includes checking our papers. 

Rebuilding the American Armed Services. These are the people that protect our country, our rights and our lives. Yes, the fcuking negro who sat on the bench. I hate what he did but he has the right to do it. Paid for  by bits and pieces of our  veterans. Those same veterans are dying waiting on health care is repugnant. Being homeless while illegal immigrants get housing, utilities, food, medical and money every month. This is insane. Anyway he has the right to do it but he doesn’t get to escape the consequences of his actions. That means you and I don’t have to give him money for doing it.  Don’t watch or go to or buy anything with that team or the whole sports world. It hits them in the pocket but the thing is, you’d rather sit and have your beer, sitting in your cossie with their names on them and wearing their team sweaters and watch them. Paying for that beer, paying to park, walking 500 miles, pay for food. Buy big fingers, etc., etc. than to stand for your country and boycott them and their sponsers.  If F.EM.A. camps had beer and cable you’d go in a heartbeat.  But back to the fcuker on the bench, he does have the right to sit. I have control of my house and wallet.

Every other country in the world disrespects our country or our famous leader. He has poked Russia in the eye a few times and now he is disrespecting Asian leaders. Trump has the finess to get along much better and other countries would respect us more if Trump stands for his country and his country’s people. It’s called morals.  Why wouldn’t you want the leaders of the only two superpowers on earth to get along?  That is insane also.

So, why am I confused?  I read the Bible, I know we are in messiahanic times now. Looking for someone to come and fix things, to be our savior.

As far as what the Federal Government can do, the Constitution tell us what the Federal Government CAN’T do.  We the people give power to the Federal Government, not the other way around. This is a Government of the people by the people.

Illegal immigation. Wear a chip. But what is our other options?  We know Hillary is half dead and all her backers are demonic. Satan’s Army.  ISLAM is of the devil. Read the koran. I have read a lot of portions of it because I had never even heard of the Koran before this generation and wanted to know what in the hell was the big deal.  They are about Evil. If you really want to understand Islam as opposed to Christainty, go to youtube and watch ACTS 17 apologetics.  He shows the verses of the Koran and what they really believe.  They are mostly illiterate and have no idea what the Koron really says. Raping children, raping, stoning, beating, acid wash, drown or buried alive women.  Worshipping a devil call Allah.  If you really want to read up, the whole pagan gods before Abraham was still going strong afterwards. When Esau and Hagar were kicked out of Abrahams tent, where did they go?  Remember what Esau looked like when he was born?  Hairy and Red.  Mohummd was also red headed.  Red headedness is genetic.  America was mostly Christians, then in the sixies here comes the church of Satan but it was mostly christian.  Different sects of the same Christianity. Mostly.  The first Catholic Presiden was Kennedy.The evening news now days reads like the book of Matthew and Revelations if they tell us anything other than who is gay today and entertainment. Trump is going to win in a landslide unless the government creates a big of enough false flag and Martial Law takes over or some such shit like WW3.  Think about it. I am amazed every day at the things we see happening. This whole world is corrupt. I feel like a candle in the wind. Never knowing who to cling to when the rains set in.  I know Jesus but I’m speaking right now about the physical world we are in. Can Trump be the one that comes to say the day, only to change later? Or will Hillary win and Muslims take over the new world government?  One world religion?  The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.  See why I’m confused?  Some people say I’m borrowing trouble, but doesn’t it pay to watch, learn and prepare?

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Angels in My Backyard

The other day I took pictures of my backyard and captured this.  I never in a million years thought that would happen. I have felt spirits at this house for a while now. This is my Momma and Daddy’s old house and I swear I thought I got a picture of the same fog like picture in my living room one night. My father has been dead over twenty years.  I told my Mother that I had a house full of spirits. My son died five years ago and my husband died about 4 months ago and I feel them. I’ve never seen them. I take a lot of meds at night and don’t remember my dreams except ones from my lost loved ones. I think that is a visitation not a dream. Any thoughts?

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I have been telling everybody that I still feel Rick around me and the different things that have been going on, like the fan turning itself on and off. Tingling at the back of my head and neck like Rick used to fold me into him. Things like that. 

Yesterday evening as I was letting Barney outside, I noticed the light and dark blue of the skies and the differences of the dark and green of the trees thinking it would make a beautiful picture and went back into the house to get my camera phone.( No, I don’t carry it around wtih me. I  grew up with the phone sitting on the table and have never thought anyone was important enough to have to talk to someone  while driving a car.)   I thought the light was perfect and snapped a couple of pictures.  It was beautiful. I threw a couple of toys for Barn then when back inside.  I was crippled at the time from a cortizone shot in my hip and sat down.  I looked at the pictures inside the house and there they were. My angles and Rick.  They are all around us and the veil is getting thinner.  

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